Crazy Jay's Rating Agency


  • Executive Biographies

    Jay Daloon – CEO, Chairman of Board, President and Janitor

    Jay Daloon purchased Crazy Jays Rating Agency from the founder under the condition that the founder remain anonymous and through some extremely crafty financial technical maneuverings. (for more information please read sample report of Super massive platinum service)

    Jay Dastapler – Senior VP of figuring out which Senior VP takes over if president dies

    Jay Dastapler probably has the highest job security in the company as long as he stays in his research stage of the task he has been given. This service gives Jay Daloon a reprieve from the paranoia that his staff is conspiring against him.

    Jay Dapen – Senior VP of Legal Department

    No one really knows what Jay Dapen does although he walks around the office constantly saying “Dapen is mightier than the sword”. When asked to stop he cites his seventh amendment rights. The rest of the office is pretty sure he means his first amendment rights.

    Jay DaMusicCD – Senior VP of new technologies

    Jay DamusicCD is known for his ability to spot and avoid bubbles. The current bubbles that he is recommending customers avoid include the light bulb industry citing how long this industry has gone on without a failure, the farming industry as how are they going to continue with everyone getting their food from supermarkets, and the baby industry since it is clear to him that people are growing up so they are losing customers daily. He is commonly quoted as saying, “People are idiots.”

    Jay Dalamp – Senior VP of morale

    Being responsible for company morale, his primary coup was the hiring of Jay Dastapler who is a constant entertainment for the office being that Jay DaStapler has yet to figure out that he should make himself the successor to the president should anything befall the President. Currently Jay Dalamp is trying to build a time machine to send Jay Dapen back to medieval times most specifically a battle of some sort.

    Jay DaCandle – Senior VP of redundancy

    His responsibilities include and are limited to following around Jay Dalamp and repeating everything Jay Dalamp says. All things considered, he fails at this more frequently than you would think.
  • Resources

    • Black and White TV with Rabbit Ears ( full disclosure located at south pole research center with no one broadcasting a signal anywhere remotely close)
    • Paper clip ( May want to expand investment into more than one, no paper and rubber bands not allowed due to risk factor)
    • Public Library (Can’t check books out, bad credit so can’t get a card)
    • Camera ( a little old so it is hard to get things to stop moving long enough for film to properly develop)
    • Lollipop (stolen from baby and it looks like his legal team might be better than ours but plan to tie him up in litigation for years)
    • Staple Remover (no plans on getting staples or stapler, just like to pass it around office to pretend it is an alligator. Every finance firm needs perks.)
    • Dictionberry
    • Broken Trash Can (Idiots who built it put the bottom of the can on the top)
    • Computer (Commodore 64)
    • Dry Erase Board with upgrade to multi colored permanent markers
    • Cat (which worries us as we have no money to feed it. Possible tragedy in making but we tell people that we are monitoring the situation and feel that things couldn’t possibly go wrong)
  • Experience in the financial industry

    • We know a guy who knows someone who had an online trading account
    • Heightened awareness that there are channels and webpages about financial industry
    • Saw the movie wall street once
    • Spent money at store a few times
    • Heard of Harvard Business School
    • One member of team had passbook account as child since liquidated with balance $3.25
    • Invested in rare one of a kind coin (turned out to be counterfeit but technically was as advertised. What you gonna do?)
    • Invested heavily in soap (took a bath)

If you need to contact someone about this try (202) 551-4120

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