We are aware that our methods may be frowned upon by the government officials and may draw intense scrutiny from government agencies and officials. Fortunately we have devised an ingenious plan for handling this. Our employees have been on a steady diet of steroids and when the government comes to call we intend to explain to them in no uncertain terms that we are clearly just too big to fail.
Lobbying practices and government response
Our sophisticated lobbying processes are hard to deny and should be extremely effective. We have our entire staff watch the news regularly and send long and extremely rambling letters to our representatives every time we see something that pisses us off. So long and rambling that they are guaranteed to be immediately discarded without anyone actually reading them. The end result is a canned response saying that they are unaware of any legislation on the topic and will address the issue if legislation magically appears riding a pink unicorn. We then proceed to place a penny in an envelope for each politician right before each election. With the level of greed in Washington this will ensure their hard work continues on our behalf.