Employment is a really big problem for me. I try to not let those around me know how much I struggle with this problem. You see I have two different conclusions about my unemployment and it depends on the day which one I think is right.
I walk in and start talking to the best customer that my company has. I have lost my connection to reality. At the conclusion of the crazy conversation, the customer takes his business elsewhere. The company needs to downsize or fold because of my actions.
I am a risk taker but only when the risk involves my paying for the consequences and not someone else. If I donít tell a perspective employer about this, I am a scumbag but if I do tell the employer, how can they hire me. Something as simple as getting a job is a moral quandary. However it is unethical to not tell prospective employers about it. On these days I need to grow a pair.
As a mentally ill person, it is important to point out that my government has done far more for me then I deserve. I think that is why I fixate on it so much in my life. As I sit and watch I become nervous that the polarization of the two parties may be leading the country down an extremely dark path. Part of this is that I battle paranoia. There is another part where the only things that seem to get done are things that help destroy the middle class. These things drop members of the middle class into poverty rather than raise people up into prosperity. I ask myself everyday if I have the right to criticize the government when they have done so much for me. Some days I feel I donít have the right to an opinion due to my circumstances. Other days I think I am obligated to say something to protect a country that has been so good to me. From my prospective it looks like a system that is gradually falling into decadence.
I write a lot of things about stuff involving the government and other big ticket items that are far too large for me to fix by myself. After some thought I think I know why I do that, there are so many huge things going wrong in the country. I guess my hope is to one day say the right thing that gets to the right person. I hope that person will see the problem for the first time and fix it. I wish that maybe I could point out a problem that prevents harm to people, not just one or two people but lots of people. I think I subliminally want to contribute something to my country that is large enough to justify keeping me around.I have so much trouble justifying keeping me around with my current situation and my history.
I have some of the best family and have been friends with some of the highest caliber people. Even though I should feel this is a blessing, it has an interesting side effect. I feel that I have no excuse for where I am at in life. They are nothing but nice and good to me. When I am with them sometimes I wish I could scream at them, ďHow can you not hate me?Ē I do try to progress everyday into a more tolerable position in life but even that progress is way to slow.
I am a Christian. I have been told that it is my job to send my beliefs out to the world. However I am unwilling to do this. I would rather no one know that I am a member of this religion. The response Christians have given me on this outlook is that Judas was wrong to deny God and so am I. In my defense I am not denying anything, I just donít want people to associate me with my religion. There are so many examples that are far better than me. If you want to know what a good Christian is then I recommend you look to mother Theresa or some other person of her caliber. If you want an example of how far you can fall and still be loved by God. Now you should be looking my way.
This one I am torn about. You donít want people running around minimizing the problems that mentally ill face. However you also donít want people walking around and looking at you with that look of pity. Based upon what I have seen of the world in general, the best way to humanize the mentally ill is probably going to be through self-deprecating humor. I am bad at it but I truly believe that it is the right tool for the job of getting people to accept something that they donít understand. Also you need to not take yourself too seriously because doing that has certainly aided in my path to losing reality more then once.