Isolation is another scam I fell for. Up until reading the article, I believed that I was the one who isolated myself. When I first noticed the traffic I made efforts to get people away from me because I knew it was going somewhere bad and I couldn’t take people to that bad place with me. Now I treasure my isolation because I don’t trust anyone in the slightest and why hang out with people you don’t trust. When I look back, I realize I was just helping the abusers with these actions. I would probably help with the isolation again because it is the only way to go through something like this without causing others damage.
However, enjoying being isolated is presenting its own problems and two of them are most notable. The first problem I experienced just yesterday. You don’t want to be alone sometimes but you will be damned if you are going to subject yourself to others. This leaves you stuck in your head and thinking. You feel like shit, you are alone and you see no end in sight to this behavior. Its not like you can pick up the phone and call someone. As you sit there knowing you will be isolated and alone for the rest of your life, your thoughts start going to bad places. Sleep is the only cure I have found for this. When you wake up the next morning often the spell has passed and you can go on with your life.
The other problem is you can’t go anywhere like the doctor, dentist or even food shopping. You know your very existence is offensive so you desperately try to find ways not to impact other people’s lives. You spend your life at night when most people are asleep. You let your body decay rather then imposing on other people’s lives. Currently I am missing two fillings and am waiting for my teeth to fall out rather then disturb a dentist. My knee is quickly degenerating and I know I won’t be able to walk soon. I shop at night or first thing in the morning to avoid disturbing people with my very presence. Isolation sucks but the options on the table make it the least of all the evils.
It has certainly been made clear that anywhere I walk leaves me making somebody else’s life worse. This is never reflected more then in employment. I am unemployable and not just because of the isolation created by my tormentors but also because I fear bringing disharmony to everything and anything. I need to be employed but I just don’t see how I can operate without a job that I can do from inside my home. Those are not easy to come by.