This is really rare which makes it worth notice. Every once in awhile the traffic will deviate from threatening me or being abusive and just say what is on its mind. Because this is rare, I should comment on it simply because it may be an activity that when engaged in could actually be constructive.
Anyway the lady just said, “Your horrible.” I am not so sure about that. The horror to me is the lack of being employed. For the most part other than that I am a fairly nice guy. I need to clean my house more but that is sloppy.
I don’t spend my days sitting around and expressing violence or vulgarity at people which many of you really seem to enjoy partaking in. However this woman didn’t do that so I myself should respond with similar aplomb.
If the traffic wishes to really get into my life as it seems determined to do, it should write a list of all the horrors I have subjected the traffic to and with the exception of employment, posts those things I have done wrong to it below.
Assuming you send legitimate beefs, I will get to work on fixing those things immediately. Just let me know all the things besides not working that I have done to you. Working is something that I have tried to do over and over again only to be shut down for it by the traffic.
Also, I hope to find a remote position that will make it harder for the traffic to be abusive to me during work so I am not ignoring the work aspect but rather I am already working on fixing that one.
Just let me know what your beefs are. I am being serious. This is not me trying to be sarcastic. I want to know. What is the worst that can happen? I can ignore a bunch of chuckle head comments. That is worth the risk when the potential on the other side is my bettering myself. I will take that risk every time.
Update on this post:
Although no has commented on the site, a member of the traffic yelled in my window, “I am too polite to express what I think of you.”
I have a couple issues with this comment.
First: Nothing of the traffic’s actions in the last twenty years has been polite. In fact it has increased in impolite behavior consistently every year. So claiming politeness at this point is shear ridiculousness.
Second: You can express almost anything politely that you can express impolitely so politeness shouldn’t slow you down at all. The only reason I say this is that it appears the traffic likes the situation of me being the super evil bad guy and it being all pissed at me for such. It is the only rationale I can think of because it resists all my efforts to not be what makes it so damned angry at me for.
So even if you can’t be polite, send it in a comment so I can fix this so that you are no longer stewing in your anger. I assume you want to communicate or you wouldn’t come up to me every minute of every day with something to say or some gesture that I am supposed to figure out.
I can’t think of a better or more accessible way to fix this then right here and right now.
So the lady four or five doors down gave me a lovely, “F you” this morning and someone said, “You don’t care that the whole world hates you and thinks your stupid?”
I have been watching this stuff for twenty years. I watch the world feel that screaming obscenities and being abusive to a person while not letting him defend himself in any way is the world’s idea of a good time.
I will tell you one thing I learned long ago. It gets worse if you fight the abuse. It is much safer and wiser to sit back say OK and just go about your day.
That what my experience tells me. I know so many of you feel it is funny but I can’t figure that group out. It just seems abusive to me. To each their own I guess.
I used to figure that one day you would get bored and let me live a normal life. I realize now that that isn’t on your schedule.
I think it is funny when people believe I can fight:
the cops
my family
the traffic (which feels like it consists of everybody)
the medical community
I just isn’t doable. So I sit and wait and keep trying as best I can.
So I was told “We are tired of carrying your fat lazy ass.” I agree with that shit, I would love to work and earn my way. I still feel the traffic always decides to get involved when I try to correct that but the other side is I am 45. It isn’t any of your problems that I haven’t figured a way to progress with the traffic constantly barring my path. Why should you be forced to pick up my slack? If you are not intentionally barring my path then you are an innocent in all this weirdness but if you are intentionally barring my path then I am less inclined to feel for your burden. I just feel like every time I try to take a step forward, there you guys are shoving pills down my throat and telling me I am psychotic. Shit, for all I know I am psychotic and that isn’t your problem either.
On a side note I saw a job offering 29,000 a year that is remote so I applied to it. I will wait a couple days and hope to the heavens that there is a break in the clouds of people who want me miserable. It is perfectly priced and I could do it. Then I find an apartment next to a Walmart in a low cost of living zone and everything is aces. I am doing everything I can to find silver linings but I would be a liar if I didn’t say things always look bleak to me.
I still can’t get the traffic to respond publicly on a blog but I do get the staggering wisdom thrown at me in public places. The most recent trip to the store had a woman say, “Your an idiot.” when I walked in.
To me that is confusing and a behavior I will never understand. I see that as someone who is exhibiting the very trait that they are accusing me of. Somehow she got something out of that interaction and I don’t understand it.
It is not as if I turned around and said, “Oh my god. You are so right. I will get right on that.” I don’t know if your abusive nature provides you guys with anything from an interaction like that but I sure don’t understand it. Maybe next time I will ask what the individual gets out of it.
For me there is only one thing. I need to find work. I really don’t much care about the rest but someone idiotically calling people names for no reason and with no cause does not impress me in the slightest.
I think that is what I mean by the traffic reminding me of Jerry Springer. All his guests being idiots while pretending they are so cool and not realizing they are being idiots (I know they are actors but the premise stands). That is very much what I experience with the traffic.
I do have to admit that idiot is fairly tame compared to what I am used to. It almost feels like progress but it could be the lady doing the name calling was classier then many of the other members of the traffic.
Someone asked me, “How are you not terrified?” I guess I am terrified of what the future holds. I do what I can and look for work. I am no longer afraid nor do I respect the traffic. It is interesting some of the effects it has had over the years. I leave every place I go mad or pissed at something or other but I try to pretend I am not mad because it just makes it worse.
You get into this state where you yearn for isolation because it is the only way to find a peace. You avoid public places and you expect every interaction to be a bad one. That kind of curbs your desire for interaction. I know everyone wishes me dead so you kind of are OK with foregoing the specifics of each and every individuals desire and urge to express their feelings.
Sometimes good news happens and it gives you a reprieve from the old gloomy gus that the traffic has been demanding of me for a couple decades. An example of this was a response about a job in UTAH that I got yesterday. It isn’t likely to work out but yesterday and today it provided hope that I might have a way out of the twenty years of abuse. I think I would be good at it but it has one problem of being located in a section of Utah that seems to make New Jersey cost of living look like pocket change.
I was actually thinking of suggesting a several month stay for training and then asking for remote work so I could find my low cost of living dream.
I don’t know what is expected of me but those little bits of hope get you through the days. I expect one day to meet with destruction and I certainly feel I have been living on borrowed time for a couple decades. I guess feeling like living on borrowed time has just become standard operating procedure for me.
I was told by the the traffic, “I hold you in complete contempt.”
This may surprise you and I am not being facetious but I do to. I have not contributed in the slightest and that is contemptible. I wanted to contribute but I realized that about 15 years back which was after the start of this. However you guys were already in this whole, we will abuse the shit out of him unless he says he is crazy and then when he says he is crazy we will lay off and take slights at him. It leaves me in a very interesting place where I hold myself in contempt and yet I must admit the behavior of some has translated into a similar contempt for all. This is unfair to many of you because I am sure that only a small percentage of you have acted contemptibly toward me. However you are large a small percentage of you acting contemptibly toward me is really quite a lot from my perspective. Still. it is debilitating in some ways which is surprising. Anyway, if you are not one of those who have acted in a contemptible way toward me then I owe you an apology because I see everyone as being contemptible in a different way then I am.
There is a recurring theme that keeps coming up as well. People keep saying, “We made an asshole out of you in front of everyone.” This is a recurring theme that I don’t even know how to respond to. I don’t much care about that as the threatened violence and other activities really have a greater impact. What do I say? OK. I see it as very important to you but it isn’t really that important to me. I guess my imposed solitude is good for something. As long as you keep it to yourself, I don’t care. Shit even when you drone on and on about it as you have done over the years, it isn’t that big a deal to me. I kind of feel like your bragging about being a jerk and I am not impressed by people who brag about being a jerk.
Another thing you say to me all the time, “You made a fool of yourself in front of everyone.” You guys live in fear of being foolish. It is really that big deal to you cats. Here I will make a fool out of myself right now with a question that I really don’t understand. I am sure there is a reason but I will ask the question anyway. Our tariff’s on china are always larger then their tariff’s on us so why not use the money from our tariff’s to buy the goods they impose their tariff’s on and just pocket the difference. We get the goods and the profit. I am sure that is ridiculously stupid for some reason and I look like a fool for asking. I don’t care. I have been foolish for far to long to worry about being a fool. I understand it is probably not a one to one ratio but it seems our larger amount of money should be employable to cushion the blow of their smaller amount of money.
Don’t get me wrong, I am not saying I don’t care about anything. I care about not being an earner. I care about not going to the dentist until my teeth fall out or I have a job. I care about not starving to death. I care about people although over the years that has manifested itself into leaving them the hell alone seeming to be the nicest thing I can do for them. I care about a lot of things.
I am sure buying our own goods would leave them going else where which would leave us without the trade in those particular goods. Maybe not, ask a freaking economist.
I am just making the point that even though looking foolish isn’t a good thing there are worse. Like being a rapist or a murderer or a drug dealer or so on and so forth. I do find it wild that a foolish person has become public enemy number one with all the amazing choices you have.
I guess what I don’t understand is the anger. Even that I understand. Not being an earner is a big deal but I feel I obeyed the doctors, cops, family and so on. I have conflicted feelings on that front. I think my source of self hate resides in my not being an earner but there is definitely a part of me that screams foul ball on that.
I have another question you will make fun of me for. I want to know where does that tariff money go. Is it applied to the national debt or does it go somewhere else. These are huge numbers that they throw around and I just realized, no seems to ask where it goes. It seems like it just disappears. I would love to spend time in a class learning about that because I am sure I am the only one that doesn’t know or people would ask. However if history says anything my attempts at educating myself have always ended with the traffic coming down on me like a ton of bricks like it did in the Walmart. Not as heavy as the Walmart but still it wasn’t good.
I was at the drive thru today and some genius screamed your stupid which I agree with but still he might as well of just said, “I am an a hole.” Actually, I don’t care about it that much. It really is no skin off my back if someone else is an a hole. I just file it under good to know. Maybe that is how I should start responding to people saying the equivalent of “I am an a hole.” The problem with that is I will be walking around all night and day saying, “Good to know.” That seems like to much work, its easier to just file it away as something that is boring and repetitious. What is so genius about sitting in a corner shouting, “Stupid” and “Idiot”? I just have trouble taking people who behave in that manner seriously. It is the same when they are doing the opposite and speaking in lies. I can’t take those cats seriously either. I am just going to keep looking for work and trying to move forward anyway until it all comes crashing down.
I was told that I have no idea how much trouble I am in. I believe you but I just don’t know what you want me to do about it.
I am not sure if I heard this correctly but I think someone said,” I don’t care if you are polite, I want you out.” Let’s break this in two and examine the statements. First I was not commenting on how polite I am. I was pointing out the pointlessness and futility of sitting in a corner and seething in an anger while shouting names at a person who is doing nothing at all. Also your being impolite as this person was kind of suggesting isn’t a matter of concern for me. I don’t care if you are impolite, I only care if I am polite. Which I am.
Second was the statement of “I want you out.” Me too. I figure the best way to get out is to find employment and stand on my own two feet. Just walking out with a bag packed usually leaves some poor cop having to deal with a chucklehead, namely me. So I continue looking for work and a way out that solves the problem permanently. I know you guys prefer to play pass the Jay and see who you can dump me on next but after twenty years of this bull crap, I think I would prefer a more permanent solution to the problem at hand which again is me and my existence.
Someone said, “So you really are going to make them throw you out?” The hope is I find work and can give them all peace by leaving them alone. Yesterday was one of those days I felt lonely. It is unfair to subject them to me when I am lonely but I keep doing it. I feel horrible afterwards for making them endure my company. That is not saying much because I keep hanging out with them.
So I had a few messages from the traffic of late.
I was called disgusting.
I was told that the whole world is laughing at me.
I was told I am being nice to people who hate my guts.
I was told I am a disgrace.
These are all repeats that have been sent my way for a good two decades and the truth is that I don’t really care anymore. I have a feeling that the traffic and I feel very similarly about each other. They feel I am an a-hole so if i were to express anything negative about them, they would think to themselves, “I don’t care what he thinks. He is just an a-hole.” That is exactly what I think about the abuse and harassment that the traffic submits me to. I think that is probably why I don’t get mad anymore because the traffic’s behavior has left me with such a low opinion of it.
I think I got a response from my last message of , “You are going to care when we throw you out.” I will care and it will suck but I am not exactly in a position of power. When it happens, I will be bummed and probably lost as to what to do. However I will still feel that the traffic and all involved in it have been complete a-holes for a good twenty years. Then I will proceed to starve to death which kind of puts a damper on all the other feelings I guess.
I was told that “We are all just making fun of you.” You have been doing this crap for twenty years and you still think being shitty to someone without an ounce of cleverness to be the funniest thing in existence. Personally, I just think your being a bunch of dicks. I am the one walking around without being abusive. I really am not doing anything funny as best I can tell. I eat, look for work and sleep. That is freaking hilarious. I am trying to be helpful toward someone whose most recent heart felt sentiment was a desire to punch me in the face. I guess that is kind of funny. I listen to your lies and abuse and it is not a game I wish to play. When will you have your fill. You have subjected me to physical, emotional and psychological abuse for two decades and that is funny to you. You guys are some sick individuals brother. I find it odd when I hear people wonder at why I think you guys would derive pleasure and enjoyment from watching me starve to death. You almost act offended that I would think something so horrible of you. Your track record suggests otherwise. It is as if you think destroying someones quality of life for twenty years is a good and noble and wonderful thing but taking pleasure watching someone starve to death is just sick. I find that confusing and I wonder where the line transitions from funny to sick.
I have been giving this traffic behavior and where it draws its lines some thought. I think its line is physical abuse. The traffic is down for all types of abuse as long as it doesn’t turn physical. It kind of makes sense with all the comments of, “You are lucky I haven’t killed you.” or “I should have punched you in the face and you should feel lucky I didn’t.” This also maps pretty accurately to my belief that when you are abused enough everyone eventually realizes that they are faced with one of two choices. People find it too much fun to be emotionally and verbally abusive and once your a target, every Tom, Dick, and Harry comes out of the woodwork to make sure it perpetuates. That leaves you two simple options. You can either do something so drastic like an act of violence that is so extreme that it is no longer funny or you can accept that you will live in perpetuity being abused. I myself opted for the second when I reached that point but I have to be honest that I was on the fence about it for quite a while. The weird part about the traffic is that even it seems of two minds.
First there was the less then eloquent individual at the BK drive thru who tossed out a “Your stupid.” Now this cat wasn’t the truly remarkable part of the interaction. The remarkable part was the girl who fell out laughing as if verbal abuse was the pinnacle of all humor. A very similar response came from the guy who called me a faggot at the grocery store. This guy also thought his verbal abuse was the height of comedic expression. I find these interactions completely foreign and I don’t understand them but I can’t deny from this experience that they are relatively common behaviors and shared by many individuals.
The other behavior is much more concerning and rather alarming and that is true anger. I often can’t figure out why the same actions that breed humor and a complete lack of regard in some, breed such intense hate and anger in others. Their type of abuse is very different and it is almost accompanied by threats of violence. I guess there are types of verbal abuse since I categorize both these as different types of verbal abuse.
My conclusion is that we live in a society that feels only physical abuse is bad and verbal abuse is acceptable. I don’t think I am a special case either. I think the size and scope is special but I see this behavior transcending my circumstances and reaching out and affecting others in society as well. Sometimes I feel like asking people if they don’t know abuse is bad but it really is a rhetorical question because life has made it clear that many individuals can’t see that abuse comes in forms that aren’t physical. It is really quite sad but after my experiences, it is completely undeniable. I often wonder if it is just an American thing or if it goes further and is a global thing. It would be interesting to know.
Someone from the traffic notified me that “Your are just making an ass out of yourself with that blog.” I think I am a little past worrying about making an ass out of myself. The whole world seems to hate me. Most likely for being an ass.
So let’s look at today’s abuse. That really isn’t completely fair as today’s commentary from the peanut gallery consists mostly of truth.
It so far has consisted of being called stupid, being called a bitch and someone notifying me that they hated me.
The bitch part came from a boy who I could rip in half because of size difference alone. Trust me, I am no tough guy and I am not stating that as if I am. It is just a fact. I show restraint at all times. Of course not showing restraint leaves me walking around and calling people names like some chuckle head. Certainly not an action that I am willing to take. I think what you are suggesting is that I should go out and hurt someone badly just so that your dumb ass will no longer think of me as a bitch. Only a bitch would do that where as a non bitch would not allow your feelings to determine their own actions. Meanwhile, I need to find a job.
Being called stupid, I guess I agree with that one so it is pretty hard to argue that when the proof is in the pudding.
As for the “I hate you.” That is your choice but that and a couple bucks you can get a cup of coffee. So you can enjoy your hate if you need to share it with me to make you feel better. Whatever I can do to help.
I was at the store yesterday and I was laughed at and called scum. Now every time I go through something like this I walk away thoroughly confused. My read of the situation is clearly wrong because if I was reading the situation right then this couldn’t possibly be the behavior I would be witnessing. From my perspective, you have violated many of my rights both civil and human. Then you are rolling up on me and blaming me for your violations. Usually with an addendum that no one cares what we do to you because you are a bum. This leaves you setting a precedent of violating someone’s rights and making them responsible for that violation. Seems a dangerous precedent to me and I can’t imagine you would be involved in something like that which is why I have concluded that I have no idea what is really going on.
You have participated in harassment, abuse both physical and mental, violations of privacy of home, degrading punishment, medical malpractice and so on and so forth(and I am the scumbag). Many of these violations are of international law as well as violations of the law of the land. If this were true which it clearly can not be, then I can’t imagine setting this type of precedent would be tolerated. Not because I am or am not a scumbag but because who would want to live in a society that not only tolerated but embraced these types of behaviors.
Also I will speak directly toward this accusation of my being a scumbag and the response is less then pleasant so if you are at all squeamish about discussing the darker side of human life in the US and the world then you probably should stop reading here as the disgusting things I am about to talk on are just that, disgusting. In the last two years, I often wonder about how many or how much. How much heroine has been shot up? How much child prostitution has gone on? How many sex slaves are in America right now and how many people are availing them of these slaves’ services? How much cocaine has been snorted? How many women have put male genitals in their mouth? How many people have had anal play go on? How many orgies have gone on? How much rape and murder has been engaged in? How much credit card fraud has gone on? The point being that you are surrounded by scum and you take no exception to it! How much meth has been used?
Now do these facts excuse anything I have done, absolutely not but be careful what you judge. I didn’t engage in any of that during the last few years but man has all that gone down and in massive amounts! That is on all of you. Even if you didn’t participate personally in these behaviors, your wall of solidarity puts you hand in hand with those that do.
I am not claiming to be an innocent soul, really I am not because that would be down right insane but I am extremely far from the worst. From my perspective when viewing you as a whole, I am called stupid and disgusting from a moral cesspit. I think that is why I often sit back and laugh as you abuse me and call me names. I have watched for twenty years with no idea how to do anything but sit back and eat your self-righteous crap. I still have no idea so I continue to sit around eating your crap but I see you. Numbers don’t lie and metrics are taken on your lack of moral fortitude so as much as you would like to, you can’t deny its existence.
Some have insinuated that I can’t justify my behavior with the bad behavior of others but it seems to me that that is exactly what you are doing. I can’t even count the number of times I heard that I deserve the bad behavior I am being subjected to because I am scum. This is nothing more then your behaving badly toward me because of my bad behavior. It is the same thing.
Don’t get me wrong, I desire not to be scum rather then accept that I am scum but my difference in opinion with the rest of you resides in my belief that I don’t think I have as far to go to achieve that as you believe I do.
Someone said to me at one point that I really do believe I am not dumb. The answer to that is unequivocally that I do believe I am dumb but I accept it and I believe that most of you are just as dumb. Many are far better educated but you crapped on me when I tried fixing that so I don’t feel too bad about that.
I do feel bad about money but other then my inability to gather money in a sufficient amount, I don’t feel as bad about me as one might expect.
My last post leaves me wondering about my being scum and what I need to get done to no longer agree with you that I am scum. I need to find a way to acquire money so that I am no longer on the dole. A little more treating the body like a temple is definitely in order. I am fairly kind to others so I think I am OK on that point. Self-reliance is what I am really missing. I really need to work on having a positive attitude. I am not at all ambitious and that needs to change although my only current ambition is to be making enough money to survive. I think we all can agree that a significant increase in moral fiber wouldn’t hurt in the slightest. I should clean the house and the car more. Somehow, I got addicted to TV again. I need to stop that. I need to become a hard worker. I need to follow my religion to a tee. I think that is pretty comprehensive and if I achieved these goals, I think I could confidently say that I am no longer scum.
The truth is that I really don’t know where you are going with this. I can only see five options and you have not taken any of them.
1. Put me in jail
2. Throw me into the middle of the street and watch me starve to death
3. Employ me and let me be a productive member of society
4. Maintain the status quo
5. Kill me
Since so many lies have been tossed around, I have no idea what to believe and what your goal is. I have been trying to figure that out for decades now. I don’t see any other options and I am confused as to what exactly it is you want. Since I don’t know, I am going to concentrate on doing the things in my earlier post that lists what I need to do not to be a scumbag.
So I see these as the potential outcomes, I must think I am missing some which is why I can’t figure out where you guys are going with this. Still I think a reply to each item on the list would be the best to figure out what you are up to so I might as well give it a try as I have nothing to lose by doing it.
The first item on the list is to throw me in jail. First off, I must admit that is not the most appealing of options and it must be done without a trial. I do wonder what it is that you would be throwing me in jail for but I am sure you could figure something out. I certainly don’t think you could have a fair trial at this point so I assume if you were going to follow this course you would have a way around finding an impartial jury or an impartial judge making any trial not be a kangaroo court that pisses on the very core of the judicial system. This is easily resolved though by just finding a judge that believes in meeting out justice regardless of the law and I am sure many of those exist. You could also just not tell me of the trial and throw in a lawyer that wants to lose the case. This way you could claim to have followed due process while actually bypassing due process. My assumption is that you would utilize your medical malpractice activities and turn them against me claiming that obeying my doctors and accepting my diagnosis of insanity somehow constitutes a crime but I could be wrong. All that is speculation but based on the constant barrage of the fact that the whole world thinks I am an asshole, I am sure you would have no problem jailing me for as long as you wish.
Now from my extensive knowledge of prison movies, this would leave the rest of my life consisting of people trying to rape me, me fighting back and being raped, me going to the infirmary till I am healed, this repeats till I piss someone off and they stab me to death.
Now you seem to be pretty pissed about money sometimes so at 53,000 a year which is the cost per year for an inmate in new jersey, you are also out another million dollars which is probably less then desirable. However, your universal hatred of me can probably get you to overcome your watching of your pocketbook. So I really don’t see a million dollars loss as much of a bother to you.
When all is said and and done, I am up in the air on whether this is the choice you will make because after all, I am powerless so this really is all about the decision you guys make. I think as with four of these options, your hatred of me will make this an appealing option for you.
The second option is to throw me into the middle of the street and watch me starve to death. This really is a death sentence without you having the balls to put two in my head. I am not saying I want two in my head but starving someone to death is some cruel mother fucking shit to pull.
However that is the accepted practice and many are able to survive it by feeding off the leavings of the rest of society. I have a feeling that I would start off with the attempt of being that noble as to try survival in that fashion but the truth is I would probably degenerate into walking into grocery stores and eating whatever I like, breaking into gym’s to take showers, walking into mattress stores and laying in bed till physically removed, and generally being a walking nuisance till something had to be done about the moron walking around making messes everywhere he walks.
This however is the go to move of society so I put this as a high likely hood outcome. It allows you to kill someone without feeling that you are getting your hands dirty. If I were in your situation I could definitely see the appeal in this approach although in my personal opinion, it creates far more problems then it fixes.
I guess you could strap a parachute on me and fly me over the middle of a desert and toss me. It is murder just the same but it by passes the whole having to watch me suffer as I die. This would give you a warm and fuzzy about killing me in this manner because you don’t actually see the deed. I definitely find this approach as highly likely.
The next option is to employ me and let me be a productive member of society. This is actually in my opinion the smartest play as it is mutually beneficial to both sides of the equation. However I believe that if the traffic can be believe and you hate me with the deep passion that you claim to, that this is probably the least likely of outcomes. I just have no trouble believing that you would rather hurt yourselves then let anything positive happen to me.
It is the only one I can actually do something about which involves applying to jobs. However if I learned one thing from walmart (besides it is a great store with low low prices) it is that for this to work I need to be isolated while producing. That is a damn near impossible thing to achieve. Still since it is the only outcome that works for me, it is the only outcome I am willing to try and work towards.
Still I find this the unlikeliest of all the possible outcomes.
The next option is to maintain the status quo. For some reason, this seems like your favorite option although I don’t believe you would be willing to do this for the rest of my life.
I am guessing but I think my life is nothing more then a toy for you based on all the grins and laughing at me that you do. I have to believe that as most kids do, you will eventually tire of playing with your toy and cast it away. At this point I have to assume the status quo will no longer be a viable option and one of the other available options will have to be employed.
I may be wrong as I often am but I can’t help but believe this is really nothing more then a temporary option with no ability to be maintained making it not likely at all to be the final outcome.
The final option is kill me. Now this isn’t an option I want and I can’t stress this enough but it is actually better then some on the list. Living in perpetual fear of shanks, beatings and rapes while actually experiencing some of those things is really only very slightly preferable to this and this is actually preferable to being starved to death in some dessert so that you guys don’t have to feel you murdered me.
I am not suggesting that you care if I die, I just think you would prefer it happen in a way that leaves your hands bloodless. Still as far as I am concerned, if I have to go (which I don’t want to) walking down the street and suddenly having the lights go out from two unseen bullets to the back of the head seems a pretty good ending compared to some options out there.
Today’s lovely interactions with the traffic consist of someone walking up to me and saying fuck you and then walking away.
Also someone told me that I make them feel sick.
As for the fuck you, please feel free to keep walking up to me with the emotional control of a third grader and expressing yourself. I would never actually respond to this unless I liked someone because that would just be stupid. However if I liked someone my response would probably be along the lines of “Fuck Me? No fuck you!” That being said feel free to improvise your own response to this behavior you are exhibiting. You told me long ago that you are determined to be an asshole to me in perpetuity which you have certainly proven. This gives me no reason to care one iota about anything you say or do since being good to you has zero payout. So now we have degenerated into nothing more then being shitty to each other and nothing else happening. I don’t care about what you say or do or think and the reverse is true of you. No progress has been made and you still face the five choices mentioned in earlier posts. I have to admit this little twenty year plan of yours is straight up ingenious. What is your next step now that you set me up to not care about anyone of anything? Are you going to start stomping your feet, holding you breath as long as you can, and scream at the top of your lungs every time we cross paths?
The other thing said to me was that I make you sick. Don’t tell me about that shit because I don’t care. If I make you sick, go to toilet and throw up and keep that shit to yourself. I don’t bother you with my feelings and upset stomach. You can keep saying it to me but I can honestly say that I don’t give a fuck anymore. I spent twenty years trying to be considerate of everyone’s emotions and feelings with an end result of being shit on by everyone for twenty years. There is just no profit in giving a shit about any of you when this is how you are determined to behave. I have been trying to be better with you working against me for far too long to care about you anymore.
Someone shouted at me “How dare you, you little prick?” What do you mean by how dare you. That is not being a wise ass but after the last twenty years, I can only assume that you desire an adversarial relationship. As best I can tell the things said in the last post should make you delighted otherwise why would you behave the way you do?
Someone told me that “We are laughing at the nine kinds of hell we are about to rain down on you and if you knew what was going to happen, you would be running like hell.” See I believe that and this form of information is beneficial. It doesn’t change my plans but I absolutely believe you are out to provide me with the most painful and torturous death you can find.”
I just had an experience that perfectly epitomizes what the traffic has been for the last twenty years. I brushed a guys shoulder as I was passing him in the store. I apologized and he responded with faggot. It isn’t like you behave badly, it is that you feel that you are under some obligation from the high and mighty to behave like an utter asshole. Then you wonder why I have no respect for you anymore. You are not under commandment from God to be a prick like this cat was. (Also this cat unlike the little guy from the other day could probably rip me in half) Honestly, what the hell is wrong with you people. It often appears as if the traffic is a collective of seriously antisocial broken people that think they were sent by god to tell other people that those people are bad and that they being on the side of good can say whatever they want. But if someone they don’t like behaves in the fashion that they themselves do then watch the hell out. Personally I am glad when you behave like that. You might as well as walked up and said, “I am a complete piece of shit.”
Now some people would provide a response of “If you were any kind of man then you would say that to my face.” Why in the hell would I do that? I think it is funny your as much a shit bag as me except in a different way. Meanwhile I will continue looking for work and waiting on the seven kinds of hell you promised for walking around being polite, looking for work and entertaining you with someone to abuse. I am concerned that all the smiles seem to have gone away.On top of that, I don’t want to be like you. I haven’t been obligated by God or anyone else to walk around being shitty to my lessers.
I was at the pump today when a man decided to lean out his car window and shout the words, “You are dumb.” This was such an important moment in my life because it had two very important effects.
First I suddenly decided to no longer be dumb. Yep this morning I was dumb as a brick but thanks to this messenger from God, I will be the smartest person the world has ever seen. This morning I was so stupid that I didn’t realize being dumb is a choice but now that I know, whole new worlds of opportunity and advancement are splayed before me. My life is completely different now that this man has deigned to visit upon me his grand knowledge through the most appropriate and intelligent manner possible.
Second, I feel that had not this person engaged in this behavior then the world would have stopped spinning on its axis and we would have all flown into space and died. This unsung hero actually saved everyone’s life and did he ask for anything in return? No! He just quietly waited for the pump to finish putting gas in the tank and went about his day.
I think we all learned a great deal from this man’s example and I am certainly thankful for it and I hope you are too. I want you to know heroes like this really do walk among us and I had the privilege of crossing paths with one today. As far as my new found genius which was provided by this man can tell, he saved your life today and asked for nothing in return.
I really do expect to be crushed and destroyed by the outcome of whatever this is so my talking shit has to look absolutely ridiculous. However my crying like a baby or kissing ass or anything else that I have tried has amounted to nothing more then fodder for you so I might as well give being myself a try. Somehow I feel being myself is probably what got me into this but it is the only thing I haven’t really given a chance to so why not?
I was told that I must think you are a bunch of a-holes. I think it was not a question I was supposed to answer but I will anyway. Over the last 20 years I have gathered a great deal of data that really, really, really supports that hypothesis. Now maybe the data supports this only because the a holes are the ones who most desire to make their presence known but barring that factor, I think I can come up with quite a few things that would allow me to agree with that statement.
I was asked recently, “How is it that you still think we find this funny?” I stopped caring what you think recently because you change what seems like daily. First its funny to you then you are irate, then disgusted and then infuriated then it is funny again. The truth is I can’t keep up with your emotions. For me it is ridiculous and I don’t know what you want. I spent twenty years trying to assuage your feelings and it seems no matter what I try it just doesn’t work out the way I expect it to. I am a very accommodating guy and if you gave me an action I could take that would accommodate your feelings then I would take it. I really am not trying to piss you off but I feel you really want to be pissed. Your are determined to be pissed so who am I to argue with you? Go be pissed off if that is what you desire. I would much prefer if you were determined to be happy and I certainly would better understand if that is who and what you are but clearly that is not who you are. So go be pissed but don’t expect me to understand that decision.
I am have been told not to be surprised when someone walks up and punches me in the face. I won’t be. I have been expecting it and I imagine I will go down like a sack of potatoes. However I am looking for work and I really hope to find work before that happens. I know controlling your anger is definitely a problem for a lot of you.
This traffic thing leads to interesting speculation. I guess there really two options when it comes to my insanity. Either I am or I am not. (I am sorry about this post but I feel like writing right now so if you have to read it, I am sorry if it is meandering)
Now if I am insane then I am not really doing anything wrong. This would leave you cats abusing, harassing and getting your excess rage out on a person with a medical issue. A weird behavior but it wouldn’t be entirely unexpected I guess. Instead of being motivated by legal reasons, you would be motivated by general nature. It is only natural to want to thin the herd of the weakest and a mental illness could be considered just that. I guess I can’t blame you for following the natural order. I am surprised at the decisions that you made in achieving that goal. Not the best and most efficient way to achieve this goal. Still there is so much of it that doesn’t make sense about this and I bet with all the piece’s it would make sense. The real question is what if I am only insane sometimes. When the desire to thin the herd comes on not only would the flaw not be considered in the thinning but it would be the cause of the desire.
Then there is the option of my not being crazy. This means a complete by passing of the medical community among other things. I consider the medical community to be a pillar of society. If it is OK to bypass that pillar then all the pillars are in play. People keep telling me to run, is that in my best interests or am I being told that because they removed the justice pillar and plan to shot me in the back for running from the authorities. We know the traffic at least pretends not to care about the law when it threatens to hit or break bones or kill me. All of which last I checked are crimes. Then there is the entire lack of privacy and the human rights violations. Really it feels, although it may only feel this way and not be true, that all pillars have been removed. At that point what and who can you trust.
If the pillars are gone then there is nothing holding back individual desire. Can you really count on individuals doing the right thing? There are a lot of individuals and it only takes one to revel in the chance and opportunity to throw human decency to the wind. Not really a bet anyone would want to take unless they have no choice. There is a lot of deranged out there. People who want to kill and hurt in the name of good. Shit I am sure there are some who want to kill and maim for the shear joy of it. Definitely a bad bet that someone wouldn’t leap at the opportunity if provided it.
Although if this is the case, no one has done much more then threatened and called names which is surprising if this is the case. Actually that would be impressive if this is the case, sign of a society that knows right from wrong rather then doing right because their government tells them to.
They keep telling me I am already dead so maybe the death blow just isn’t valuable to anyone.
Someone yelled “You have idea what they have ” (either “done to you” or “done for you”) and the answer to that is that I don’t. As such I am unwilling to lash out at anyone. Except for the people calling names like two year olds, those guys I am pretty sure are just being a holes. As such trying to figure it out is both stupid and pointless. I say pointless because what does it matter who has done what. The right thing to do is get a job and become a productive member of society so that is what you work toward regardless of the past. I am pretty sure it is futile to attempt this but what else is there. I certainly don’t want to lash out at people who have done no wrong. Isn’t that kind of the basis of the whole justice system. It is better for a guilty man to go free then an innocent one to be punished wrongly.
“What are you suggesting, that you should be allowed to sit around while we take care of you for the rest of your life.” I agree with the assessment as well as the implied fix. What I don’t understand is how you think sitting in the corner and shouting faggot is going to solve it. So even though the issue is valid, I think your solution is convoluted, ridiculous and, pardon my french, fucking straight up dumb. So laugh away I guess. It is certainly better to laugh at me then sit around throwing temper tantrums like a three year old. Meanwhile I will look for work in hopes of fixing your beef which to my stupid self, seems a better say of handling the issue.
Someone said at one point, “We are not all sitting around calling you faggot.” Yes but I was also told that I need to accept that we all think you are an asshole. So I guess I wonder about the fact that sometimes you all want to be treated as one and get pissed at me when I don’t treat you as a united front and then ten minutes later, it is “I am an individual and don’t lump me in with faggot guys.” Which is it? Are you a crew or individuals? Not that it really matters much at this point. I just get confused as to how you want me to approach this genius stuff you are doing. Remember you are dealing with someone who is lucky if he can tie his own shoes.
I don’t know, I guess I am still confused. I mean once you lock someone up and tell them you will electrocute them if they don’t stop seeing something, I think most people will stop seeing it. Maybe I am unique in that perspective. I don’t really feel bad about accepting that I am insane. If I am not insane, I would have done the same thing that I did if I was insane. I guess from that moment on you had all the power and you still do. I am still interested, to put it mildly, in which of the five choices you are going to make. I like writing about it though because I find it cathartic. It allows me to feel like I can say stuff without being sent to the loony bin. I think that is what I mean by you guys have all the power. I can’t fight everyone. The decision is all of yours at this point. I believe I have probably felt that way since the old electrocution thing. I just obey. I take my pills and put my head down and keep going. It is really the only thing to do so I should probably stop sweating it. I mean it is clear that if you desire, you can strap me in a chair and electrocute(or at least threaten to electrocute). If your willing to do that then the sky is the limit on what you will do. It doesn’t really matter much to me. Yesterday is only valuable to help avoid mistakes today and tomorrow. I worry far more about tomorrow. I keep waiting for my impending doom which isn’t very productive. I am getting a lot of reading done, so there’s that. I mean, shit, I am still doing just walking through life pretending it doesn’t exist to this day. As long as you aren’t strapping me in a chair and electrocuting me, I count myself blessed as all get out.
When I went through the drive thru the nice man at the window leaned out and called me a faggot before continuing to politely do his job. I found this humorous while clearly so did he. I think for probably two very different reasons.
His reason still eludes me till this day.
For me it was like he said, “You may be the biggest asshole but I am an asshole too.” Basically if there were a clan of assholes, I would be his boss.
As for the change in the world that this interaction had, I see minimal to none. The five choices of how this works out is still the same. It does reinforce the need for a job that includes isolation because of how determined you guys are to make all environments as inhospitable as possible but that has been true for decades.
“Do you still think you can walk away from this?” Nope but I will try only because the other option isn’t one to take.
So walking out of the store a woman screamed “You’re a fool.” There is really no arguing that. This isn’t like the idiots yelling faggot at me. I have to accept this as a legitimate beef. Over the last few days I have had realizations that I probably should have had many many years ago. For example, if I was really as nice a person as I think I am, people wouldn’t be walking around being shitty to me. So I guess it is time to accept that I am bad people. This does little to change the five choices you have but without accepting this, I will never not be a bad person. Acceptance means little since the first step to not being a bad person is to get a job which appears to not be on the docket for anyone else. Its been decades now, at some point I have to admit that looking for work is a flawed plan and come up with a different tactic. But what!!!
I am pretty sure someone said to me, “I don’t see a nice guy when I look at you. I see a fat lazy piece of shit.” I agree with that except with only one caveat. When I look back, I see twenty years of a sea of people making sure I don’t fix that. I see a conspiracy to make sure I stay the very thing that you claim to hate so much. I think you did it to make an example of me to the rest of the world. I also want to leave room for me not reading the situation correctly because maybe I am wrong and that isn’t how it went down. If it was me though (and I am correctly reading the situation) I would have tried fixing it rather then making sure it stayed the same so I could stew in anger.
I do have a theory that maybe it was just too much fun to let me change. It doesn’t much matter because I see what you see. I will keep on chugging away at trying to find a job and correct the fat lazy piece of shit. I guess it really doesn’t much matter how we got here. Here we are and it needs to be fixed.
I have also been told “Do you have any idea how stupid you sound?”
You guys aren’t exactly sounding like genius’ by walking around yelling faggot, piece of shit, your stupid, and other temper tantrums.
The drive thru guy called me “Trash.” I am guessing sometime during my last hospital stay I kind of snapped. I used to get all worried about how I must have hurt you to respond in this manner but now it doesn’t matter anymore.
It is a lot like Paul and the googlie eyes he does. He got so much joy when I would tell him to stop and he would respond “I am not doing it.” Eventually, I snapped and realized what do I care if he walks around like an idiot doing stupid stuff with his eyes. Then I enjoyed and laughed internally about it for a while and finally I eventually became indifferent to it. The googlie eyes thing is when I finally decided I was going to go passive and just watch from that point on. It really wasn’t worth my time to have the same argument over and over. I guess in retrospect going passive may not have been the right choice but it is pretty much my go to move when being annoyed but not physically hurt.
My experience with the traffic has followed a similar course. I don’t care if you walk around calling names and making faces and behaving like a bitter old goat.
Also, I no longer feel bad for anyone involved. Some people like to pretend that they weren’t having fun the whole time but I really did watch and this was ridiculously enjoyable for all of you during the course of it. Now it feels like you are faking outrage at something you condoned and enjoyed thoroughly for so long. I guess I believe to my core that you all enjoyed yourselves thoroughly and continue enjoying yourselves behaving like idiots to this day.
It still doesn’t change the fact I need a job to no longer be trash but knowing how fun it was for you takes away all my worry that I hurt you and if I haven’t hurt anyone then I really don’t give a shit about much of anything else. I just don’t want to hurt anyone.
I guess I feel bad for my family in that they did everything right and shouldn’t really be in the middle of all this stupid stuff. It is my fault they are because it started at a time when (to put it really mildly) I wasn’t toeing the line. However I remember how much fun they had doing this to me and I guess I don’t feel as bad as I probably should.
I certainly don’t want to be trash.
Someone said “Stop acting like you knew.” I knew you guys were doing stupid and weird stuff. I may not know the extent of it but I was watching. I still maintain there is a possibility of a proclivity toward insanity in me but for the most part, I didn’t care you were doing stupid stuff.
I am a firm believer in what ever makes you happy(if you are not hurting someone in the process). Googlie eyes made Paul happy. Walking around saying “Stupid punk motherfucker” made the guy in the dealership happy. Calling me trash made the drive thru guy happy. So on and so forth. I am not entertained by such things but it doesn’t bother me anymore when you do this shit so if calling me dumb makes you happy then go for it. Meanwhile, I will look for work because being employed and not trash is important to me and will make me happy.
I kind of doubt it will happen but that would make me happy so I will give it a try.
You know I agreed that “Punk Ass Motherfucker” really is the king of insults. I think it is my favorite although I don’t know if it is the right number of syllables or if it has a good flow but it is severely fun to say (not that I would ever use it mind you).
I heard “Everything you say is going to be used against you Jay.” So be it, it is the truth.
Don’t get me wrong. I don’t blame anyone for their actions but myself. I assume everyone involved feels that they did what is right. I guess it is a bummer realizing the right thing to do was this.
Really if I bottom line it, it all results in one end result. I had a chance and many deserving people don’t even have that and I blew it. Does any of the rest of it matter? There are many people deserving of a chance and they deserve that chance before I get another one.
That is bottom line.
That leaves me wondering about the proper course. Do I just give up and wait to die or do I keep trying? Those are my two options. It seems that you should try until you can’t.
I heard, “You can’t imagine how funny this is to all of us.” What ever floats your boat man. I can certainly see humor in it. I know you are thinking, “we are laughing at you and not with you and your too dumb to see it.” I rather you laugh then threaten me.
So I heard, “You still think you can get out of this alive, don’t you?” I actually decided being afraid of death or almost anything is paralyzing and unhelpful. So why bother fearing it. It is going to happen eventually. That is a fairly new position but I think it is right. Being afraid is what got me here.
Here is something that I find terribly confusing. You laugh hysterically for a while and then I point out that you find this whole thing funny. When I do that, suddenly you get angry at me and hit me with, “Do you think we are laughing?” Then I have no idea what to think. You are allowed to find it funny unless I say you find it funny. I don’t even know which it is. I believe you are angry and you call me an idiot and laugh hysterically. I can’t actually talk to anyone about it but I want to scream is this funny to you or not? Make up your damn mind.
We are getting closer. Now all I have to do is figure out how to get you from being abusive and we are golden but that is the hard part.
So what do I do now. Be the idealist and start telling everyone I am fine which we all know anyway or make an appointment with a doctor for an ailment that I don’t have. All the other times I went the idealist route, everyone had a frigging field day on me until I wound up in a doctor’s office or hospital.
However, maybe that has changed. Not being an idealist will probably increase anger but I do like sleeping and the anti psychotics are good for that.
Is that really the choice you are providing? Abused and doing the right thing or abused and doing the wrong thing. I can’t imagine that is the real choice.
That has been the crux of this problem from the beginning. Whenever I tried to do the right thing, I get crushed for it and when I don’t everyone is all happy.
The funny part is that it is true that I can’t tell the difference between a strong thought and a whisper through a window but that isn’t so much an ailment as a by product of people talking into my windows. I expect that to go away when people stop doing it.
I believe I heard, “I swear to God if you bother the police again, I am going to beat the hell out of you!” I think we can cross that option off the list. I agree with the fact that if they want me then they know where to find me. Besides, I assume they have more important things to do then deal with a chuckle head.
If I have a choice, I would like a firing squad.
Although they would probably all aim for the foot.
Let’s go get abused. That is always fun. At least it only took twenty years to become accustomed to it.
So I heard, “Don’t you get it, you are just being pathetic!” Maybe a bunch of y’all weren’t around for the beginning but all I see in this statement is the pot calling the kettle black.
There is one exception to that. In this case the pot has a job.
I don’t know what to believe and I realize that tomorrow, I will probably convince myself of something different. At this moment I believe I am not insane and this was a twenty year conspiracy designed to avoid Due Process.
By tomorrow I will be thinking about what I originally went to help for. Falling apart crying, looking all around constantly wondering who or what is going to hurt me, and staying up all night tailing a log file that was never going to move even knowing it wasn’t going to move and other strange and absurd behavior. Then the traffic hit and who knows what happened after that.
So by tomorrow I will be convinced something is wrong with me again.
Day after tomorrow, I will convince myself that what I experienced way back then was real but it was just something temporary and I no longer have to worry about it and I really am sane.
Next day, the traffic will go into hiding and I will be convinced that there is a giant conspiracy of global proportions waiting in the weeds to come alive and do me in at any moment. Which is insane, except for the fact that it does exist but I will be damned if I will tell a soul because even though I know and you know, if I told someone that then they would play dumb and put me in the psych ward. So whatever I do, I can’t say that.
and let’s not forget about the day where I say to myself, “F everybody. I think there is a problem and so I am going to the doctor and do what the doctor says because that is what a normal person does.” (I think that is normal)
So on and so forth. I have been going through this for twenty years and from my perspective, nothing has changed.
You still aren’t bored of this after twenty years?
I need to expand my job search to things that aren’t remote and sack up to deal with the abuse.
You pretend not to know and your a genius. I do it and I am retarded. There is a bit of hypocrisy in that.
I was also told to grow up. What the hell do you think I have been trying to do looking for a job for twenty years? Besides a twenty year temper tantrum that inhibits my ability to progress is not exactly a mature behavior.
You know I have been letting you guys get away with murder by allowing you to not have any responsibility for your actions because I quote “Deserve this”.
I heard someone say that it is time for me to accept that I am not one of us. It is these little comments that aren’t specific enough for me to act on. I am not a member of my family, country, religion or so on. There is no way to tell. Not that it matters much since after all this, I am not going to believe anything anyone says unless it is a comment of how horrible I am. Those I do accept and I need to change them.
You guys are a bunch of freaks!
I am in a contrary mood. I should probably not blog till I relax and can express myself in a non confrontational way.
“Your a loser Jay.” Thank you for that. Really changed my outlook on life. I appreciate the thoughtfulness of your response. It certainly is new information that I hadn’t been privy to and the world is a better place now.
“When are you going to give up on this idea that you can find work?” When I am dead.
“Jay, no one is going to hire you with as dumb as you are!” So what are you recommending?
You want to hear something funny. You know you have an obligation to keep trying till you can’t anymore which is what I am doing even as futile as it seems. But do you have an obligation to do whatever you have to survive. Sort of that whole, if you are starving is stealing bread wrong. All I wanted these many years was to be un-harassed and a job. I got a few jobs but the harassment never stopped. The weird part is did I deserve the harassment. The answer is probably. Realizing that all you see when you look at me is a fat, lazy, piece of shit then yes, I deserve this. I see different things as well but I realized the other stuff I see doesn’t change those things and those things are intolerable. So what if I am nice or gentle or considerate or kind or if I try to be helpful or unassuming or humble, these things, which I believe I am, don’t change the other intolerable qualities I possess.
Someone responded with you are disgusting. Your go to move. When are you going to figure out that you don’t belong in my bedroom. In fact you don’t belong in anyone’s bedroom. You violated that and look what you got. You definitely hold your privacy as valuable but you have no problems with invading others. Ah, I guess you view it as your prerogative to enter others bedrooms. This is a precedent that I hope what you did to me doesn’t set. Privacy is a human right.
So I heard “Your thoughts are pathetic and so are you?” Yeah but I don’t walk around being shitty to people to make myself feel better about my life. (which by the way, I find that behavior pretty pathetic)
Someone said, “We are going to ghost you.” As much as I have no desire to die, I am tired of being intimidated. If it is that important to you then do it. Anyone can be killed.
Some one said “It is not your bedroom.” That is semantics and you know it. Another justification for doing the wrong thing. The only two I feel for is mom and paul and I don’t feel too bad for them because I am pretty sure they did this to me. Still, I shouldn’t have been an animal so can I really blame them.
It all comes down to money!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Always money!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I don’t know what or when I said the word funny but man did you guys latch onto to that word. I find humor in dark things. You keep throwing that word in my face. I laugh at adversity and I smile when I am utterly frustrated and don’t know what the hell to do. I laugh when I am powerless which is most of the time. That is what I mean when you are determined to be unhappy. You latch on to these words and take offence when no offence was meant. It is not an endearing quality at all. Sitting around looking for something to be offended by. It is a quality I see frequently on the web so I have to believe it is common but I will never understand sitting around waiting to upset myself or looking for opportunities to take um bridge.
So someone yelled, “Jay go fuck yourself.” My point exactly. I spent twenty years listening to you behave in this fashion and then promptly being told how smart you are. I don’t see it. I am not saying that to be a wise ass. I just don’t see it. You are capable of destroying me at a moments notice. I see that but I am not going to kiss your ass for that. (which is probably a mistake but I think if I did it would just encourage you) What I never realized until a little while ago was how debilitating that behavior can be when done en mass. Anyway, it is not that I think my blogging will change anyone’s mind. I am smart enough to know your mind is made up but it makes me feel better to get shit off my chest.
So I heard, “Jay, next time I see you, I am going to spit on you.” You won’t be the first and the way things are looking, probably not the last.
“How long do you think you will last out there.” I don’t know where out there is but I am sure it is bad. Not long would be my guess. I really do think I will die for whatever this is. I guess I just hope it is quick.
That is one of the reasons I can convince myself I am reading this wrong. You wouldn’t violate human rights and then pat yourselves on the back for it. That is what I am having trouble accepting.
“We are all laughing at you.” You have been doing that shit for twenty years, I was bound to get used to it eventually. Even me. I know you think yelling that into my house is some kind of devastating blow but it really hasn’t been damaging for quite a while. You need new tactics bro. The current ones have been played out. My only concern is financial which is what my concern should have been from the get go instead of your strange antics which I prioritized wrongly. The wild part is I feel like I could say the moon is green and you would respond with ha ha ha that is so funny. As if I didn’t know the moon wasn’t green.
vigilante justice!
I was told, “I want to punch you in the face.” Shit man. I want to punch me in the face. I wish I had been smarter and more personable twenty years ago. Shit man. I wish I was smarter and more personable now. I certainly don’t want to be punched in the face but considering it feels like I am facing certain death, I would trade a punch in the face to avoid that.
I was also told, “Don’t you see what an asshole you are?” I guess although all I really am is a guy looking for employment and is no longer afraid of something that he probably should be afraid of. I just want to live is all. The only way I see for that to happen is employment. I have no excuses now that I no longer fear the traffic. Extreme fear of the traffic is what stopped me before. Now I am like you, I don’t care what others think. Mind your business and step out of mine like attitude only said more nicely. That is my new approach. Still I would rather not die if I can figure out a way to swing it.
So I heard, “All I see is a junky.” Those were other times. I am no longer that. I don’t even drink anymore. Your going to have to get over that.
You like summing me up in a few words, here is what I see. Self righteousness. A bunch of people who view themselves as super heroes stomping out evil with moral superiority. Giant balls of rage that feel justified in using that rage at will. People who think threatening others with violence and spitting on them and being shitty to them is OK as long as they are on the side of good in their own minds. Individuals who think the golden rule is he with the most gold rules. People who think compassion is a weakness. People who think somehow they make the world better by treating others poorly and calling them faggot and piece of shit and pathetic. People who think the past is undeniable and that people are incapable of change. People who think so highly of themselves that they can judge and be less of a person to anyone they don’t feel fits in their perfect little world. We all see different things in the course of life. That is what I see.
People who desperately want others to care about their thoughts and ideas but have absolutely no desire to reciprocate. Judgment that is what I see. I am lucky I guess because I get to go through judgment twice. People who lie constantly and then call liar when even that is a lie. That is what I see and I would be liar if I said different. I know there is more out there but that is what I see. That is what has been presented to me. I haven’t been facing the good stuff that is out there. I have been watching a conspiracy of what is probably well deserved hatred.
Someone shouted, “Do you see people who are going to shoot you?” Yes and I am afraid but not paralyzed but it does make my point about you being all about threatening people. Is what I say really all that important. Is my twenty years of looking for un-abused work really matter so much that it is worth you murdering me. Who the hell murders this way anyway? I am a freaking peon and your acting like I am some super evil cat. I listened to the doctors. I don’t feel bad for that. I tried every way to contribute I could think of and you stomped me for it. I don’t feel bad about that. Murder away brother. Have a freaking field day with it.
“Jay, you are a coward.” I am not so sure I would agree there. I view very few things as worth fighting for but that is different then cowardice.
“Jay, there is no one in the world that doesn’t think you don’t deserve this. Whats that tell you?” It tells me that the world thinks being a bad person to someone else is noble. I don’t want to be a part of that part of the world.
“Stop pretending you don’t deserve this.” No one deserves this. I am not saying that with a light heart. I have really given a great deal of thought into the actions that led to this particular location. There were many many places where this could have been avoided and no one really seemed to want to take those opportunities. I couldn’t have been more vocal in trying to sort out the traffic so that a resolution could be found. Your answer was to pretend it didn’t exist. I guess I wish you would stop pretending that you didn’t want this outcome. I believe that and that belief has been a big part of my transitioning to caring less about this because it wasn’t what had to happen but it was what you wanted to happen. You got what you wanted and now you are angry with me that you got what you wanted. I find that confusing.
At least I think that was what all your laughing was about. I tried over and over to say look something is off here and it is impacting my life in an adverse way. Then I got big smiles and a mouth full of pills. I realize now that my mistake was in caring about anything but the acquisition of money. I thought the traffic needed to be dealt with. It was a huge mistake and I regret. I learned the hard way that the only thing in life that matters is the acquisition of money. I probably learned it too late but I still think this is what you wanted from the get go and I find it very confusing how angry you are to get what you wanted.
“You really don’t care that we all laugh at you?” Not really if I was employed. I used to care but suddenly I took on this feeling of well to put it bluntly, “Your assfaces so I don’t care what you think.” The only issue I see is financial.
You were entirely adamant about it. Over and over you said the equivalent of “Shut up, take the pills and sit in the corner!” You were so adamant and still are. So what did I do? I shut up, took the pills and sat in the corner. Now you are pissed at me. I honestly don’t get that. Actually, I think I do. I think now that you were expecting me to say, “F you and all your years of medical experience. You doctors are a bunch of quacks and I know better then you and I will seek money instead of obeying you.”
The real problem is now I only sleep well with the closaril so do I keep going for it or not. Other then that question, I now hunt money even though it is too late.
“Call me an assface one more time.” I should probably choose a less offensive term but you have been abusing me for twenty years and making fun of me where ever I go. You tell me I am crazy. You call me names like piece of shit, loser, scumbag, pathetic, and so on for decades. You spit in my face and whisper threats at me where ever I go like wanting to punch my face inside, telling me you will kill me and that you want me to die and many many more. You shout fuck you at me when I get gas. Then you tell me how you are wonderful and I am horrible. If I speak on it, you tell me it doesn’t happen and fill me with pills. If I don’t speak on it you call me coward. Then you tell me that you are noble and I am evil. I am sorry if that hurts your feeling but I think it fits into the perfect definition of someone behaving like an assface.
As for the coward thing, if you had three hundred million of the roughest and toughest mother fuckers in the world whispering death threats and spitting in you face and harassing you where ever you went, I think you would see it as a matter of some concern. I would be a liar if I didn’t say fear was involved in many of my decisions over the last twenty years.
Someone shouted, “Give it up Jay!” I have tried just throwing my hands up in the air and saying, “Look, this is who I am. I am sorry if it doesn’t meet your standards. Do whatever you want to me?” I get laughed at and sent on my way. If I knew how to give it up I would. I went to the cops on many an occasion. I just sat in the corner waiting for you all to make up your minds. I still take your pills and sit in the corner doing nothing. You know what would happen if I said, “I don’t want your pills!” Off to the psych ward I would go. I would love to have a way to just give up and have resolution on the traffic but that doesn’t work. So why don’t you just hop in your car and drive away, you might say? Well I can’t cross a border and I don’t think another country would have me if I could. If I run to another state then we are looking at the same issues. I have one choice, stay here and either find some resolution that makes everyone happy or face a cold, starving and painful death. Of course not being able to speak on the topic without further attacks is presenting quite the problem in finding a peaceful resolution that makes everyone happy.
I hurt someone’s family (and my own) that is a killing offense.
So I heard, “You would sentence someone to death for hurting somebody?” It would depend on the level of hurt but I hold myself to a certain standard and I don’t want to hurt anybody. It can be paralytic at times trying not to hurt anyone. I guess for most of you it is easy not to hurt anyone but I kind of live in fear of hurting other people. I think it is part of the reason I like being alone so much. You don’t have to be afraid of saying something to hurt or freak people out. Not that I am always alone by choice but still, it is better then pissing anyone off. As if that worked out so well. You got to protect family. I now don’t really have a family and in a weird way, it is kind of liberating not to have to worry about anyone in the world but myself. It is also kind of scary being alone. I miss them sometimes. They were a good family. They were Mary Poppins style, practically perfect in every way. I loved them a lot which is probably why I gave their wishes such high priority. Not all of them but most. That is one of those things I look at myself and laugh at myself for. That whole time I thought I was doing right by them taking my pills, which do help with a good nights sleep, and really I was doing the wrong thing. I should have been out looking for a job. Idiot. Avoiding pissing people off is another thing I failed miserably at. I only would go around people I thought were easy not to piss off and I never looked for new people, little did I know I was pissing those people off. It is a good thing I limited it to just a couple people. Less damage that way. Idiot again. So many places to call myself idiot when I look back. That is always a fun game to play.
“Shut the fuck up you stupid putz.” Probably the best advice I have gotten. I would have delivered in a less unpleasant way but good advice anyway.
I was at the store and a customer was laughing at me and I smiled as he told me “Grow up.” Then I got home and heard, “Just because someone was smiling doesn’t mean everything is OK.” Believe me I know that but I wasn’t smiling because I thought everything was suddenly OK. It was the second time I was told to grow up. Good advice and I will take it to heart. What I was thinking was, “Being laughed at and told to grow up twice in a row is progress from being called a piece of shit, loser, scumbag, faggot that you want to punch his face inside out.” Now whether I just ran into two people in a row of really high caliber that don’t go in for the truly vicious behavior or there really is progress, I have no idea but it felt like progress and in dark times, I will take what I can get. I am aware that nothing in the situation changed from the moment before to the moment after.
So yesterday I thought I would check and I got the same response as always. I was told the equivalent of,”Shut up, take your pills and go sit in the corner.” I like sleeping and the closaril makes that happen. So for the most part that is what I plan to do. The one difference is I will spend all my free time with looking for employment. The hunt for money is very important to many of you and it really should have been the priority all along. Hindsight and all that. Seems like a work around instead of a fix but it is better then planning for starving to death in severe pain. I think I will never understand the whole “We hate you but we will push you towards decisions that will keep you closer to us.” behavior that I am witnessing. I find that confusing as all get out but I thought I would ask just to see if that was still the behavior I was really witnessing.
“Your pathetic and everything you say or do is pathetic.” Letting you define me was a big part of my idiot decisions. Your an assface and you have been being assfaces for decades. I no longer care about your definitions because you have proven yourself too irresponsible with all your power. You have power and all you use it for is to be an assface.
“All your doing is make yourself look more retarded.” Ah, I think I bottomed out in that department long ago. I figure if I have no choice but to sit there and listen to your bullshit then I can type mine. It seems only fair. I really have held my tongue since drybala was on the corner as I was being escorted to the psych ward by the cops. Its not that I think anything I type or express has any meaning or value. It really is just a longer form of sitting in the corner yelling faggot or dumb mother fucker or piece of shit or fuck you or all the other nonsense that you guys seem to think is valuable or clever. The only difference is I try and fail sometimes to not be combative in it. It is just mindless expression of thought that should probably never be written, heard or spoken which is no different then when you corner me in a store and start attacking me for this that or the other thing. It just makes me feel better the way you feel better when you scream “fuck you” at me. Thats all. I would be very surprised if you didn’t know that with you finding verbal abuse so entertaining.
“Jay, no one has ever been this retarded before.” First man on the moon. I am number 1. I am number 1. I am number 1.
“We are starting to understand you really don’t care!” That is a falsehood. When I see the rage and anger I created, I am heart broken. When I see people being assfaces, I don’t care. When I see people laughing at me, I feel that I deserve it so I can’t really get to mad about that. When I think of my family or ex-family or whatever the hell they are, I feel immense loss and self hatred. When the day ends and I realize that all that emotion is wasted and hasn’t changed anything in the slightest, I feel empty. I care but just maybe not in the way you would expect.
“No one cares, you are just a dumb junkie.” You guys are big on that, defining someone in a couple words. I always thought there was more to all people then a couple words. Maybe I am wrong and everyone can be summed up in a couple words. I really do feel bad about the anger and rage I managed to create. I guess I have to tip my hat to you on the dumb part. A smart man creates good things.
“Enjoy your life, living on the street.” Like I said, you have all the power and I can only do my best to find employment. If this is your desire, I can’t stop you. I really have tried for two decades to find employment, to prove I am not crazy, to find other ways to contribute and it all came to no end. I even tried to stay away from most of you but it wasn’t enough. On the up side, there is a position in Maryland that I would be perfect for. I applied but as usual I am sure it will come to nothing. I think you are being very unfair about it but fair and hatred rarely walk hand in hand. I expect to die quickly or wind up in jail and die there if that is the outcome you choose for me. I hate being powerless and twenty years of it has just sucked.
“No one feels bad for you and nothing you say or do can make anyone.” I am not really trying to make you feel bad for me. I just haven’t been able to honestly express myself for such a long time. I find it therapeutic even though I expect to die. To be completely frank, I wonder why you haven’t killed me already. It certainly looks like your mad enough to and you certainly have all the power necessary to do it. I kind of wonder what you are waiting for. I can only think it is so you can do it in a more cruel way.
I heard someone say, “Don’t you see how dumb you are!” What I see is an entity that finds it vitally important to its own happiness that I spend not just the last twenty years feeling horrible and hating myself but also the rest of my life feeling that way. I view this as an assface move and behavior. I realized quite recently that by actually doing this is giving an assface entity exactly what it wants. So I will face my death or whatever you have planned no longer giving an assface entity what it wants. Make no mistake, I have been doing that and feeling horrible and hating myself for twenty years and all I got was this lousy t-shirt.
Don’t get me wrong, I know you are very proud of having achieved that but it is something I would revile myself for if I had achieved that.
Some said, “That is not what we did dear!” That may not have been your intent but it is exactly what you did. Maybe that’s why I don’t see you deserving of the kudos that you think you deserve for this cluster fuck. Maybe you think you did something more then make someone spend past present and future hating themselves and reviling themselves for shear personal entertainment.
So I heard, “Don’t act like you didn’t deserve this?” Oh would shut up with your you deserve this justification for behaving like an assface. Yes, I am as far from perfect as you can possibly get but I am tired of you doing things to me that have an effect on me and they blaming me for that effect.
Don’t get me wrong, I feel bad about all wrong I have wrought. I certainly wish I could change the past but it my wrong doesn’t suddenly mean you can do anything you want. Sorry, I am getting into a contrary mood and that helps no one. However I am so tired of doing what you tell me to do and then have you tell me I am a jerk for it.
I promised to be honest so sometimes I just feel that being a dick to me fulfills some weird perverted thing in you. It feels like you do it for pleasure and I find that the most concerning thing about the traffic. You have some mildly sick ways of deriving pleasure.
Then I remember those that show the real anger that has festered in you and I realize that some of you aren’t doing this for pleasure. Some of you are honestly irate. Those are the ones that concern me. For twenty years I couldn’t figure out what I would say to them. They made it clear to me that apologies were useless so I don’t apologize to them even though I am sorry about whatever I did to create that feeling. I can say I honestly wish I figured out a way long ago to stop them from feeling that way. It is a horrible way to feel and I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy. At this point I feel like you are doing everything in your power to foster that feeling which is a bad thing but another thing that is your responsibility and out of my control. Mostly I feel helpless when I see these individuals. I don’t know how to fight hate especially if you can’t talk to it. It is frustrating to want to heal something and not be able to. Mostly I feel helpless to not be able to help you with your rage deformity.
Someone shouted, “Do you think I am playing with you?” I know you are playing with me(I mean like a toy you can destroy at will. Not in a friendly way.). I am still terribly confused because people seem to come in three flavors lately.
Enraged
Highly entertained
Occasionally exceptionally nice
Sometimes I think I talk about one group and the other groups feel I am talking to them. I just want to make it clear that I don’t think the enraged people are being assfaces. I take their rage very seriously unlike the other groups. I can only imagine how much worse it would make it to be enraged with someone and then have the individual make light of that anger. I would never intentionally do that to anyone. That is the surest way to make it worse as far as I can tell. However it makes me feel powerless knowing that there is virtually nothing I can do there for them. Only the person feeling rage can squash it and with the way people have expressed a determination not to squash it, leaves me believing that it would be a waste of my time and breath to even try.
So I heard,”You can’t talk your way out of this!” The only way I see out of this is a job. I talk because I am a talker. This blog has been my first new friend in many years. I talk directly to the traffic sometimes because it is my oldest foe. I like being able to talk honestly again. The only other friends I had were the baby deer that I would drive around at night and see. I like being able to actually talk to someone again. Even if it is only a blog, I think I would have lost my mind in self hatred and feeling horrible long ago. I would really like to not lose my mind again and become a babbling mess incapable of coherent thought. I think that is probably my highest priority that and a job.
Someone shouted, “Your so pathetic.” That is assface behavior. Legitimately enraged people can usually be more eloquent with their responses. That kind of behavior no longer has the slightest affect. I write that shit off in a second. Most real enraged people, you can see it written in their faces. They’re the ones that concern me or the neighbor directly behind me. Her I can hear and see her rage. People like that concern me. Not some chuckle head out saying, “You are pathetic.”
“Jay, look at yourself dude and really ask yourself, how could anyone possibly like you?” Now that is eloquent rage and it hurts. I am not who I was. However, I should probably give that a great deal of thought. It is an important question and not one to be dismissed. Your telling me I do not have a single redeemable quality. I am not sure I agree with that. Of course when shunned and isolated, no qualities shine through. However if you saw a redeemable quality, this wouldn’t be happening. So I can clearly not choose the cup in front of me.
What are you going to do now that you know we don’t care? I don’t know. The cops like to pawn me off on you because it is funny to them. The cops like pawning me off on anyone they don’t like. They did it in florida too. I am pretty sure they had a beef with the homeless shelter they put me in. If I don’t do as you say, you commit me.
I think I will probably continue doing as you say, looking for work, try becoming something that has a redeeming quality,
I think I have good redeemable qualities kind, compassionate and several others but the question is am I lying to myself. The hardest person not to lie to.
You need to walk away from this. I can’t walk away it seems pretty global to me. I have to figure out a way to redeem myself in a world that desires that I don’t find redemption. Another impossible task but one of my own making so no bitching about that.
Survival, do I do whatever I can to survive no matter how despicable. I really do like the closaril but it seems pretty despicable to go back for more if I don’t need it. and there is the money which I will probably die without but I didn’t earn it and mom paul hate me so it is probably the wrong thing to do. but is there any sense in being noble and dead, there is something to be said for that but the world isn’t going to change with “Wow, it turns out jay was noble.” Just die with dignity asshole. sounds like suicide if you ask me. Nothing you could ever say or do would change my mind about you being a piece of crap. Not exactly a motivational speech. round and round it goes.
You have transitioned back to irate uncontrolled anger again today. I guess it is understandable. I have given 24 hrs of thought on my not having redeemable qualities and I think you are wrong. I have good qualities. So we agree to disagree on that one. It is your anger and rage that prevents you from seeing them. That is your fault and not mine. It doesn’t change that I need a job but you are being entirely unfair.
You really have latched on to faggot and pig and mother fucker. You love those dearly. I really don’t want to further anger you but I honestly feel you are being the assholes and lying to yourself that I am being the asshole.
“Jay, I like everybody and I don’t like you!” I guess that says it all. There is nothing I can do here. It is depressing that you would write a human being off for trying to get help and fight their own flaws. To each their own
So I heard, “That’s a load of crap.” No, it is exactly what you did. I wish I could just write off my wrong doing with you deserved it and that’s a load of crap. I don’t have that luxury.
I have to keep my eye on the prize. That being if I didn’t deserve this then you wouldn’t be doing it. Eye on the prize.
Hey man if you want to live in anger, wrath and vengeance, enjoy it. Not me. I may be about to die but I am not going to go out being an abusive ahole crying about the unfairness of life.
I guess I am just being a baby about this.
You know I guess I feel powerless partially because I don’t feel it is right sitting around shouting faggot or piece of shit or fuck you to other people. It leaves you really with nothing to do in response unless you want to behave in a way that you don’t believe in. I guess it is childish to think that just because I believe that behavior to be juvenile and stupid doesn’t mean the rest of the world feels like that. My skin has thickened immensely as of recently so now it is more of a nuisance then anything else. I still need a job and money but the traffic has proven itself to be dumb in my eyes. It is kind of funny because I know it feels the same way about me. Are we destined to sit around thinking each other is dumb until the day it decides to kill me? Maybe so.
I have a plan but it kind of sucks. I don’t like it but the only alternative I see is driving into the sunset and praying everything works out. The only other plan I have is to look for work and keep things as static as I can until then. Both suck but a third option hasn’t crossed my mind. I rack my brains everyday morning to sunset and I just come up with nothing but protect the current situation till employment. Part of me is always screaming that I am grasping at false hope and that is not a plan if that is the case or at least it is a plan destined for failure which is no plan at all. Shit I have done the look for work thing for twenty years, it is kind of stupid to think that it will suddenly pay off. My thicker skin may mean retail can be reintroduced as a solution but I really don’t want to offend coworkers with my presence.
“We didn’t expect you to just accept you were insane.” Why wouldn’t I accept that. I have been told I am mentally defective since early middle school. The doctors, cops, coworkers, and my family insisted on it. I don’t feel bad about accepting that I have a proclivity for insanity. I really think the closaril is helpful. I don’t feel at all bad for thinking I might have issues with sanity. I know you think that I don’t but I am unsure if I even agree with you on that. I know that if I were imprisoned tomorrow, I would try and get closaril from the prison doctor. That says something about how I feel about the anti psychotics. I think I am on such a low dose that it probably tests as ineffective so that says the opposite. I really am Vacini sometimes. What in the world is that over there. Never mind, let’s drink you from your cup and me from mine.
“We all laugh when we see you.” I’ll take that over anger besides you have been doing that to me since I was twenty-two years old. I am fine with that and quite used to it. That doesn’t bother me even a little bit. It is the whole death thing that has my hackles up in a roar. The threats of violence also get me on my toes in anticipation but laughter. There isn’t enough of it in the world. Take the huge guy at the dealership walking around yelling dumb mother fucker. Not really how my sense of humor goes but on the way out when I looked at him, he was happy rather then upset. More power to him. If something so ridiculous and juvenile gets his motor running, who am I to care in the slightest.
Someone said, “Wait, wait, you think we are juvenile?” Yes and no. You are employed which is something I am quite jealous of and feel lesser for not possessing that status, that is not juvenile. The rest of it is juvenile antics. Maybe I am wrong. Maybe adults sit around calling names and play with people with problems rather then help fix them. Maybe throwing temper tantrums because you are upset is mature and adult behavior. Maybe sitting shouting curses and being mean to individuals because they aren’t cool is the very definition of adult behavior but it doesn’t seem so to me. Maybe shaming someone to death is a good, noble and upright way to handle disfavor.
Someone yelled, “Fuck you, you are a pig.” See that is exactly what I am saying. Juvenile. I didn’t say or do anything to deserve that behavior and it is a behavior I would expect to find in an average middle school.
“You think you are going to analyze our behavior?” Well you clearly aren’t looking at your own behavior. Look I was an asshole growing up and that is undeniable. I have been trying to fix that since the very beginning of the traffic. I have fixed a lot of it. You took all my worst qualities and embedded them into your actions and behaviors and then you want to pretend that you don’t possess those qualities. Well you wanted those qualities and now you have them. Congratulations, you made yourselves into worse people.
I guess shaming someone to death just screams middle school bully to me.
“You have no right to be mad at me!” I am not mad at you, just disappointed. Still need a job.
Sometimes I think you don’t get it. You have set me up for twenty years of being powerless. Then you spent those twenty years doing the dinner for schmucks thing(which by the way I always thought the people holding the dinner were the cruel, sadistic schmucks). And now you want me leave. However you either forget that you closed and locked all the doors twenty years ago and forced me to sit powerless as you abused me or don’t care. More likely don’t care. That is your joke. Well enjoy it but my sense of humor never went that way. I think it was just mean and if I had been privy to you doing it to someone else, I would have punched you in the face( it is kind of weird that I wouldn’t punch you in the face for doing it to me but I would if I saw you doing it to someone else.). At this point I guess I have decided I am the victim and I am done with your victim blaming and gaslighting. Twenty years and your still pretending to be the mistreated ones. Get over yourselves.
So I heard, “What are you going to do for money you fucking queer?” Maybe I will turn hitman and you will be my first contract.
That is what I mean by this was all based on the fact that you know I am a nice guy. Most people would have snapped long ago and stabbed someone but you knew in your heart that I was too nice a guy for that behavior. You knew I would have to abandon my moral’s to fix it. You can pretend all you want that I am some horrible guy but if you had thought I was anything but a nice guy you wouldn’t have even tried this plan. You are just a piece of shit bully, dude. However you make a valid point that you are a piece of shit bully with a job.
Here is an honest question, if I had stabbed someone to death would you have stopped bullying me? Also if I had done that over your bullying me would you have been on the news crying and saying “He just snapped in the middle of nowhere we don’t know what happened?” Twenty years of bullying is a lot to take. When I look at it in retrospect I really see that as the choice you gave me. Kill or hurt someone severely or take your crap (your crap is bullying. I am not sure I realized it was bullying at the time but when I go back and read what I wrote and think about it, it is undeniable what you are and have done.)
“You could have run away.” No you made sure there was no running before you started. I am not saying your bad at bullying. In fact I really think it was quite the beautiful piece of work for the craft. If you are proud of being a bully then I expect you feel it is a masterful piece. I sure do. That statement in and of itself is a pretty good sign that you are a card carrying member of the bully union.
As for me, I applied for a job in maryland, I have no idea why finding and applying for a job that I could do gives me hope but for some reason it does. Who would hire me? Someone who is such a bad person even his family can’t stand him. I am gonna die, yo:) Yesterday I would have said my death was a suicide by stupidity but now I realize the truth, it will be death by bully. For some fucked up reason, I feel better dying by bully then stupidity.
I find it so funny that dying by bullying makes me feel better then a death by stupidity. Dying is dying. That shouldn’t make me laugh.
Someone, and I have a good guess who keeps screaming, “Do you still think we care about you?” This doesn’t hurt me in the slightest but it is such an important message for you to send that I feel I have to say I got it. I think it is intended as some weird dominance thing.
So I heard, “No one cares about you or what you think or say.” Yes you do. It is just that you care negatively. You wouldn’t want to miss an opportunity to be more abusive would you?
I really believe all the stuff I wrote but still it changes nothing. It is job or die. Gotta find work.
So I heard, ‘You seem to keep forgetting that we had good reason for setting the traffic on you.” That you did but the reasons you had stopped eventually and you didn’t notice. Isn’t that what they mean by justice is blind. It isn’t personal. That is why no matter how hard you convince yourself that you are an agent of justice, you really are an agent of revenge.
“Your lucky that we didn’t beat you to death.” I am always lucky to not be maimed, killed or hurt by you. It doesn’t even cross your mind that those are unacceptable behaviors. If I said, “Your lucky I didn’t walk outside and started stabbing people hurling insults at my door?” Would you feel lucky or think what an asshole that he thinks he could or should do that? You know what I am ashamed of? There was a time where hurting people who were not physically attacking me in a situation that wasn’t self defense crossed my mind as the right thing to do. I am ashamed of that.
“No one has ever been this stupid before.” Do I give you crap for being taller or shorter or stronger or weaker then me?
So I heard, “No one is reading any of that.” It makes me feel better.
Meanwhile this shit goes on and you don’t even raise an eye brow.
https://www.yahoo.com/lifestyle/man-tied-sexually-assaulted-14-153206806.html
Believe me I have been watching for more horrible shit then anything I have ever done in the news the whole time and really horrible shit happens all the fucking time and none of you raises an eyebrow to that.
“When is he going to realize we are just going to throw him out?” He has realized it. If I have my guess, you are waiting for the snow so I die more harshly or something to that effect because that is what bullies do. Revel in tormenting others.
I don’t think I am lazy anymore either. I think that is probably something that has changed that you didn’t bother noticing. Still fat and maybe a piece of shit though.
Actually, I don’t think I am a piece of shit anymore either.
Still need a job.
“Your pathetic.” As pathetic as someone who runs around yelling in someone’s window that he is pathetic when he isn’t bothering anyone.
“No one care because you are scum.” Another go to move. A derivative of gas lighting. Trying to justify your bad behavior with who I am and avoid accepting that you are behaving badly.
“Your just being an asshole dude.” Honestly. Do you think shouting fuck you or threatening to kill me or maim me or that I am disgusting is any less of an asshole then I am being? Or cornering me places and abusing me or any of the stuff you do to me.
I am compulsive about things. Honestly I don’t want to sit here and type this crap. I will try reading in a bit but I do things I don’t want to do all the time. I do feel better when I type this crap. I really do feel this way about all this shit and I realize that it is a waste of time as well. I will try to read and do what I can to leave you alone and stop bothering you but I wish you would realize how mean and abusive you have been over the last twenty years and that I am an entirely different person then I was.
“You don’t care that I am ashamed of you.” I want to care. I probably did for a long time but suddenly I guess I accepted the loss of my family. Not the outcome I wanted but living in denial is something that doesn’t help. Why would I care if your whole twenty year plan was to try and force me to conclude you don’t care about me. It is weird you want to only care about hurting me and for me to know it but you still want me to desperately care about you. I will care about you while you don’t care about me if that is what you want but it seems kind of retarded. I am only not caring about you because it seems like what you desire.
Someone shouted cheap to this comment. I thought it was honest. I am sitting trying to figure out a way not to die and that doesn’t leave me feeling like beating around the bush. I certainly didn’t mean that in a cheap or offensive way but I have been more then aware since seabright that I accidental offend people all the time which is bad. That is why I don’t really speak. to avoid offense but I guess that didn’t really pan out now did it!
I need a job.
“Jay, stop trying to explain things. As far as we are concerned we couldn’t have handled this better.” Morons. You exacerbated a situation rather then diffused it. You killed when you didn’t have. Although I have no proof you probably violated three different human rights. You generated a situation that has you seething with hate for at least a decade putting yourself in discomfort(actually you were probably laughing but the rage is still there now) and now you are patting yourself on the back for a job well done. Not to mention stopping someone from earning and then being enraged that he didn’t earn. Good for you. Probably made a mockery of the justice system and avoided due process through trickery. Of course that is only if I am reading it properly. Don’t get me wrong, I am not denying I didn’t play my part but that is how it looks to me.
Someone said, “Why don’t you talk about what you did?” I almost went the wise ass approach and responded with I plead the fifth. Instead, I understand that this sounds unrepentant but that couldn’t be further from the truth. If I was truly unrepentant I would be smoking a dube and looking at porn right this minute probably while in a fit of insanity writing emails and shipping them out. It is hard to be made accountable for every action of your entire life. Many of you have led far more righteous lives then I. I guess those individuals have every right to their anger and upset. I will try to remember that till I die for this.
“Jay we are not kidding. You really are going to die for this.” I believe and, I certainly can’t stop it. I wasn’t kidding either about being powerless for the last twenty years. I know my fate is entirely in your hands and I have known that since the second trip to the psych ward. I wish I had the power to stop it but I don’t. I hope it is fast. Until then I will look for a way to live.
This is my last blog post. I spent yesterday wallowing in self pity and complicating things that aren’t complicated. I have always been one to lose sight of “Keep It Simple Stupid”. You all hate me for probably valid reasons. End of story. I almost drove myself nuts with that shit yesterday. I realized when I started trying to think of the name of the person behind and on control of the conspiracy. It is everybody and whether just or not, doesn’t change what it is. Sorry if I took up anyone’s time.
“Jay, we fucked you up in front of everybody.” I don’t feel fucked up although before it is over, I am sure I will. I feel exasperated. I feel like I have spent twenty years watching a toddler who could fix a problem but instead has decided to keep crying and stomp its feet and complain and as much as I would like to help it, I can’t. I feel frustrated and infuriated and helpless. I tried talking to it. I have tried leaving it alone. I have tried running from it. I have tried guessing what would make it happy and giving it to it. I tried doing right by it. The toddler won’t stop crying and at this point it has been crying for so long that I am pretty sure I don’t even remember why it is crying.
I stopped taking my pills yesterday and I subject you to a bunch of mindless chatter. It wasn’t good for me and it probably was bad for you but who knows, you change like a chameleon. You have my apologies.
I remember my latest visit to the psych ward and someone came up to me and said, “In your own way, you are the craziest guy on this whole floor.” It is stuck in my head and has been since it was said.
“We thought you were going to cry like a baby when you realized you were dead and instead you just accepted it.” Why cry about that? I know you believe the last twenty years has been a party for me but it really was just lonely, abusive, boring, full of fear and regret, avoidance of problems, feeling powerless and altogether not the party you want to paint it into.
It was nice to have TV to bury my head in the sand with but even burying your head in the sand is not as much fun as it sounds. I do kind of wish you had just done it in the beginning for your sake and not mine. I feel bad about all your anger and what you go through when I see your rage. Good people enraged is a very bad thing.
Actually, I am going to be dead, why am I feeling bad for you?
I think paul said by idiot. it is hard to argue with that. however as much as I would like to pretend to care, my stomach is screwed up and my only concern is not crapping my pants. I hate those quick toss outs at the end of a conversation. it is not like I don’t know the gist but it leaves me wondering if I heard correctly. then I have to wonder if I am doing to the person a disservice by accusing them of something they didn’t do. I was so close to sleep. I am gonna die. A company looked at my application according to indeed so there is that. Maybe something miraculous will happen. It is amazing how not crapping yourself clears the idea of what is really important. I keep having to remind myself I am going to die. I wonder if it would bother him if I did to him what he is comfortable doing to me. Just start calling him names and then when he asks say, “Nope I didn’t say anything. You are having conversations with yourself.” Probably not, he would throw a temper tantrum if I did that.
I am gonna die.
You know I keep blaming others but this is more an issue created by total indifference to just about anything anyone else does. I wasn’t like that in the beginning. In the beginning I fought back but it always ended badly for me. So the words “OK if that is what you want then that is what we will do” Became my mantra. I am gonna die for that indifference. Killed by bullying, stupidity, immorality, not following the law of the land and indifference. The list is getting long for the reasons I will die but the reason for so much hostility is becoming clearer. I guess I don’t understand hostility because I rarely if ever feel it. I think it is funny when others express it but that is a horrible way to feel. I just think hostility is stupid when it is not a matter of self defense. I got some moron yelling in my window again. I don’t respect that behavior. I have exhibited a lot of behavior unworthy of respect but I have witnessed a bunch as well. So much anger and I think it is more rooted in indifference then my other failings. However I can honestly say the disrespect you feel for me is mirrored. I am pretty sure it is unfair to feel the same disrespect for you that you feel for me but I would be lying to myself if I said different. Maybe it is because I haven’t fully accepted that I am the reason I am dead. Not that it matters, you win and I lose. Who cares what anyone on either side feels. I don’t. I did for so long care but that kind of bit me in the ass in a whole different way. I have always believed that I am far more destructive when I do care then when I don’t.
It is kind of funny that calling someone an idiot is in and of itself an idiotic behavior.
“Jay, Paul is our hero in this story.” I suppose he is and I am the great and evil bad guy. Enough, said. Road to hell and all that.
I wonder if feeling sorry for people who feel rage is a way of avoiding getting angry back at them. I wonder if my whole philosophy of anger and hatred being a horrible thing is flawed and that maybe anger and hatred can be a good thing. That would suck being stuck to a failed philosophy for 40 years. Just one more for the list of things that make me stupid I guess.
“We know such and such” is sometimes bandied about. I assume you know everything so I don’t really think about what you know very much. That is why I am so deferential to your judgement. I assume you must be right or you wouldn’t be so confident in the decision to kill me. I just want to understand the decision and I am starting to.
I am looking at this the entire wrong way. To put it bluntly, I am already fucked. I should be trying to mitigate the damage to others. This is my answer to “you know we don’t care about you.”
“Jay, you know everything they say to you is a lie.” Ah, I do but I always have hope that a dam will burst and they will unload on me. I have no idea why, its not like any of us doesn’t know. Which confuses me, I thought that once everyone knew, it would end terribly but it still goes on. I find that confusing. I think I keep hoping that they will tell the truth which will signal an end to trying to have to sort out all the lies and then I can finally approach life with a sense that I will not hear only lies or at least it won’t be fun to lie to me anymore. It is stupid but it happens. Also when I may be about to go full spaz sometimes it stops me. I was definitely about to go full spaz. I was thinking of the fact that I am going to die anyway and all I am doing is making life harder around me and you know where shit like that leads. It is a stupid line of thought but in full spaz mode, it can start sounding to make sense. So what is a text to someone who is going to lie to me compared to going through all that stupidity. It is not like it hasn’t been twenty years.
What if you didn’t kill me? Then everything I wrote today is wrong.
I need a job
bye idiot
I am done.
That is really what you want. You want to take my life but you don’t really want to be the one to take it. I am not currently thinking of suicide but that is the choice. you made for me. Kill myself, starve to death or continue making life wretched for me and that way it isn’t a murder.
My neighbors are another confusing thing. I haven’t even spoken to any of them and they act as if I am putting the through hell. I am leaving for awhile on saturday and if things go well I will be back to pick my stuff up. Maybe that will soothe their anger. I really don’t like making them angry but at the same I feel like I am not doing anything wrong to them. So to me it appears like they are throwing temper tantrums but the truth is I am sure now that it is my very existence that they want corrected and I can’t support them in that decision and I think they are confused by that.
I have to stop blaming others for this but when they declare this will be my experience in perpetuity (albeit my fault). running from doing it to these people who have already been so vicious and inflicting on a new group of good people who don’t deserve it seems kind of stupid.
I am gonna die. How do I not make this worse? I am certainly unwilling to hurt or even behave in the same fashion as others treat me. Not only would that not help, but it doesn’t seem like a healthy choice. Meanwhile I only feel bad for my estranged family and about money. I would be lying to myself if I said I felt bad about people I don’t even know at this point which makes me feel like an even bigger dick because I should care about others.
It is funny, I knew when I said stop treating me like this that would be your first instinct. When you responded with a resounding “No” , it was kind of predictable what tonight would be like. I know you really don’t believe it but I want to resolve this. Whatever it takes but for me it is bigger then not liking a neighbor? For you it is a neighbor you don’t like and that is simple. It kind of makes sense from your perspective. For me the decisions are not so clear and easy. I don’t like it when you try to kill me. It gets my hackles up for some reason and removes all desire to be compliant to your demands. The hard part is agreeing with your decision to do this but not with the behavior itself. Mostly though I just get mad you are trying to kill me or have already killed me. When I think about that I stop feeling sorry for any of you.
You keep coming back to that. If you engaged in revenge porn, I don’t feel sorry for you. That being said, I am dead for it so the scales kind of balance I guess. I have no proof you did but I hear rumors.
Its kind of weird being killed by people and then having them walk up and tell you how mad they are that you are a walking dead man. Just strange.
Of course not, I have been ashamed of myself my whole life. Why do you think I only try to go out at night(You can’t see in car windows) and I don’t go to drive thru’s for the food, it is because I only have to bother one person with having to look at me, instead of multiple people. I live my whole life ashamed of me and now I realize I have good reason.
I thought you guys were having a blast at my expense and then it turned angry and I was shocked. Now I can’t believe I didn’t see the anger.
So I thought maybe death was the only thing that could sate the traffics desire. I don’t consider that suicide because of motivation. Suicide is running away from life, this was more a willingness to die just to generate a peacefullness where I clearly created a void of peace. I really do feel bad for you. You are so invested in my destruction. A behavior I don’t understand not being heavily invested in destroying people so I grasp at straws trying to guess what will make you no longer desire to be pricks. I was laying there with my every nerve burning (by the way, I think my liver shutdown but whatever shut down there has to be better ways to go. it was really quite painful.) and the strangest colors of pee and thinking to myself “Finally they can be happy and go on with their lives without being complete dicks everywhere I go. After 20 years, I final figured out what would make them happy.”
Then to my chagrin, I survived.
However, I realized while I was in a lot of pain that my death won’t make you happy(based upon the shit I was hearing from outside the window while laying down.). You are determined to be unhappy with me and that makes you a bit of a dick. At least the guy who rolled up on me and called me an asshole, the girl behind the counter calling me a freak, the woman calling me a retard and so on.
I spent twenty years worried about what a bunch of dick’s think rather then listening to myself and doing what I feel is right. Well I think sleeping is right so I will be getting more closaril and I think having a job and being independent is right(I will work on that one even though you stand opposed and I really don’t have access to the manpower to oppose you). So those are my intentions. Oh and I have every of intention thinking to myself, “Wow, this dude or lady is a bigger dick then me.” every time you are a bigger dick then me which is like almost all the time.
I know as long as I stay here I really am being a dick but it sure as shit seems to me like you did the equivalent of sealing me up in the padded room and are now the PA system yelling “get out, get out, get out.” Funny for you but rather stupid from my perspective. I have to crush this desire I feel to appease an entity that is clearly stated over and over again that it will not be appeased under any circumstance. It is determined to stand in opposition no matter what I do. Truth is if you want to be unhappy and hateful, after twenty years of watching and listening, go for it.
I know I am risking being strapped in a chair and electrocuted for saying these things but what is life without a little risk.
Someone said, “That is why you tried to kill yourself?” Of course, why did you think I did it? I did the exact opposite of what you are supposed to do. I created anx, anger, turmoil, hatred, and discord. You are supposed to create peace and understanding. If I died then there is a high likelihood that all that bad stuff I created will disappear like a puff of smoke and fix all of it as the world chooses to go about its business like I never existed which is just fine with me. With your determination to reside in what I created, I don’t see any other way to fix the problem. However, I am not going to attempt the suicide route again. It is more of a solution to the problem to keep in your back pocket. Your increase in dickish behavior has me feeling less kindly disposed to you and more OK with your decision to reside in anx, anger, turmoil, hatred, and discord.
I guess I am become completely desensitized to your anger which bodes poorly for me rather then you. Seeing as it will make you feel less and less listened to which will in turn make you more angry and infuriated. Since you have all the power and I have none, I think the end result is pretty much you squashing me like a grape. This de-sensitivity is what is happening and there is a petty side to me that has come back and is whispering in my ear, “I don’t care if they kill me. I will be damned if I am going to kiss their ass.” I am still aware that that side of me is an idiot. If all it takes for a good life is a little ass kissing then the truth is you should pucker up immediately. Not how my brain works but how it should work.
“I don’t even want to be seen with you.” You speak toward revenge pornography I assume although I have no proof. Everyone one of you adjourn’s to the safety of your bedrooms with confidence that those private times will remain just that private. You come into my bedroom and violate human rights tenants and the sanctity of bedroom privacy and then hollar murder about what you find. I can only tell you this, you were wrong to go there and now you victim blame me for your crime. It is much easier that way then having to admit that you violate human rights willy nilly. Eventually you will have to either continue living in denial about this or man up and accept that you did wrong and I am a victim(of course that is only if you engaged in revenge pornography). I will apologize over almost anything even things that I may not feel at fault for but not this one. You were wrong here and you want me to feel bad for it. Normally, I would just say fine but if you pull a stunt like this on a woman somewhere. This is an intolerable behavior that you should feel ashamed of and not me. The bedroom is supposed to be sacred. You want to be ashamed of being seen with me, go for it. You want to embrace and applaud human rights violations, go for it. But if you do, I don’t want to hear any crying if it happens to you. I always thought the advances in technology would make things more tolerable but I never imagined a society that not only tolerated but admired and condoned revenge pornography. We have more in common then you would ever admit. We are both monsters and we don’t know it. Actually I am learning I am one but you have no idea you are one.
Someone shouted, “You don’t own that house.” That is a cop out. It is a tricksters game. A way for you to not acknowledge your own immorality. Your living in denial if you think little tricks will take something immoral and make it moral. Look man, you desperately want to act without morality and have it be moral, I understand that but it doesn’t really work that way.
I got called nasty and I need to correct that situation but I get awfully tired of being called nasty by the pot. I mean, do you walk around the day after valentines day calling every couple you see, nasty. I can’t tell you the number of times I have been privy to conversation about which state map someone painted on the back of their girlfriend or who spits and who swallows. I drive passed a store filled with toys and anal beads and a stripper in the back almost everyday. People pay for all sorts of amenities with money taken from people who are like me and too weak to control lust. Men don’t get snipped for a fashion statement, they get snipped so they can shoot a load for fun in their free time. You see your real complaint isn’t that I am nasty but that you saw it. Nastiness surrounds you at all times. It doesn’t excuse my weakness but I will fight to change it. You aren’t incensed because I am nasty, you are incensed that you saw it. Do you ever wonder how many people who give blow jobs are walking around kissing people. You saw it due to illegal revenge porn activities. Still highly embarrassing for me but when you are victimized who gets the blame, the victim or victimizer. I am ashamed and I have to live with it but you are something far more dangerous and evil. What you did is sinister and you know it. That is why it is so important to you that I take the blame.
They are not called the seven deadly sins for fun so I really can’t bitch about it. Lust is bad news. Still I see the products for sale, the real sex shows and so on and so forth. I know you are nasty but your nastiness goes unseen so it is all cool for you to be nasty. Trust me I understand that once someone is publicly nasty then he must be shunned even by the people who are far nastier then anything I have ever engaged in. You can usually tell the difference by how much humor they find in my nastiness. The prudes are angry and indignant. The real nasty sex people are generally laughing because they are getting away with so much more then you are punishing me for. Those guys and gals are laughing up a storm.
As for me, I dream of a mature woman with a long monogamous healthy sex life. However, due to your lovely foray into revenge porn and my failings in fighting lust(fair is fair), I will get a lonely death by myself that may be a long time from now or may be tomorrow for all I know. Either way, that is what you get for engaging in one of the seven deadly sins and I know it probably sounds stupid but I am grateful to get away so lightly.
Someone said “You consider this getting away lightly?” I don’t know the future but I know the wage I earned. I expect death. I look for work and run on autopilot. I just wish I had been smarter but isn’t that something we all wish for. I don’t know your plans for me but I am sure it isn’t good. I hurt everyone and everything. I heard anger in response to this post. I have a knack for pissing people off I guess because I thought it was honest and forthright. I wish I could help you with your anger but anger is a very personal thing.
Someone once told me that I did this to myself and I am just too stupid to know it. I believe it.
I really didn’t mean to offend but someone was offended. I certainly am not making things better so I think I will shut up now. Instead of responding with what I was honestly feeling I really need to learn to just take the abuse on the chin and walk away. It is probably better for everyone if I go back to that approach.
“Don’t you see by now that everyone thinks your dumb?” Yeah but they seem less angry and I will take it.