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What it all boils down to

Someone in the traffic decided to hit me with the statement, “I am better then you.”

My honest response to that is that I don’t see it.  I have watched this for some twenty years now.  During this time you have cursed at me, spit on me and threatened me.  I have changed over those years but the traffic has remained stagnate.  With the exception of you being employed and my not being employed, I feel like I am the one who is better.

I don’t make up strange excuses for treating others poorly.  I don’t walk around and abuse people and I don’t feel a feeling of accomplishment from wronging other people.  These are things I have observed for twenty years solid.  I know you think that you are proving something with your gestures and vicious words but all those really accomplish is that they make me feel sorry for you.

I need a job and won’t deny it but the vocal portions of the traffic remind me of Jerry Springer shows.  I just feel sorry for you and I wish you had something in your life that made you content.   You are so busy attacking me for something that you all did to me.  I didn’t make up the traffic and I certainly never behaved as poorly as that.

Let me ask you this.  Would you feel less then someone who is abusive, mean and nasty toward you for twenty years or would you feel sorry for them that they thought that was an appropriate way to act?

For me, I feel like the worst people in the world have come around to lecture me about how bad a human being I am. You want to scream at them, “Look at your behavior and you are going to lecture me on how to behave”.

I guess you are right.  I do feel superior to most of the traffic because a twenty year hate on is just stupid and then I get lectured on how smart these people are.  The job is definitely a problem of mine but all the rest proves to me that I am better then you and the only way you can prove otherwise is to behave in a way that makes me feel you are better then me.  I kind of doubt most of the traffic is capable of that since it includes not calling people disgusting, piece of shit, faggot, fuck you and so on.  This is something that it is quite clear that you do not excel at.

These are not qualities that I admire and make me think to myself, “Man these people are better then me.”  These are qualities that make me think, “Wow, these people are broken and twisted.”

 

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Current message

This is really rare which makes it worth notice.  Every once in awhile the traffic will deviate from threatening me or being abusive and just say what is on its mind.  Because this is rare, I should comment on it simply because it may be an activity that when engaged in could actually be constructive.

Anyway the lady just said, “Your horrible.”  I am not so sure about that.  The horror to me is the lack of being employed.  For the most part other than that I am a fairly nice guy.  I need to clean my house more but that is sloppy.

I don’t spend my days sitting around and expressing violence or vulgarity at people which many of you really seem to enjoy partaking in.  However this woman didn’t do that so I myself should respond with similar aplomb.

If the traffic wishes to really get into my life as it seems determined to do, it should write a list of all the horrors I have subjected the traffic to and with the exception of employment, posts those things I have done wrong to it below.

Assuming you send legitimate beefs, I will get to work on fixing those things immediately.  Just let me know all the things besides not working that I have done to you.  Working is something that I have tried to do over and over again only to be shut down for it by the traffic.

Also, I hope to find a remote position that will make it harder for the traffic to be abusive to me during work so I am not ignoring the work aspect but rather I am already working on fixing that one.

Just let me know what your beefs are.  I am being serious.  This is not me trying to be sarcastic.  I want to know.  What is the worst that can happen?  I can ignore a bunch of chuckle head comments.  That is worth the risk when the potential on the other side is my bettering myself.  I will take that risk every time.

Update on this post:

Although no has commented on the site, a member of the traffic yelled in my window, “I am too polite to express what I think of you.”

I have a couple issues with this comment.

First:  Nothing of the traffic’s actions in the last twenty years has been polite.  In fact it has increased in impolite behavior consistently every year.  So claiming politeness at this point is shear ridiculousness.

Second: You can express almost anything politely that you can express impolitely so politeness shouldn’t slow you down at all.  The only reason I say this is that it appears the traffic likes the situation of me being the super evil bad guy and it being all pissed at me for such.  It is the only rationale I can think of because it resists all my efforts to not be what makes it so damned angry at me for.

So even if you can’t be polite, send it in a comment so I can fix this so that you are no longer stewing in your anger.  I assume you want to communicate or you wouldn’t come up to me every minute of every day with something to say or some gesture that I am supposed to figure out.

I can’t think of a better or more accessible way to fix this then right here and right now.

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Not sure about this part of the traffic

I don’t know if I should categorize these things the traffic does as threats or not.  On my way into the house a big guy who was installing windows said I was a P***Y.  I think that is really all you need to know about the word.  However due to his approach and size, it made me nervous for a bit and got my adrenaline pumping.

The other incident was yesterday and that was when some guy that I have never seen came up to me in the store and whispered “Die” in my ear.  I didn’t get the adrenaline boost from that one for some reason.

Now although both interactions were quite abusive and intended to cause me some kind of duress, I don’t know if it is fair to categorize those as threats or just expressions designed to make me feel bad.

After twenty years of abusive nature from the traffic, I know it is quite capable of far more threatening behavior and it has certainly been a great deal more aggressive.  I think the abusive nature should be classified as threats unlike the shouts of “ewe” that I have been hearing everywhere I walked this morning.  Those are just too childish to be threatening even though it does seem a foolish way to pass the time.

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I wish I knew the answer about the job thing

Every time in the last twenty years that I have tried getting a job,  the traffic showed up and I would say, “Look there is the traffic.”  Then I wound up on meds or in the hospital.  I wish the traffic would decide what would bring it happiness besides hating me.  I get the job and it  whispers just leave and calls me names.  I don’t have a job and I am called names for being unemployed.  I keep mentioning the Walmart but I suddenly realize none of you were there.  I went and did my best only to be abused the whole time.  I would have been more than happy to continue trying to work through the abuse but people were yelling in my windows when I got home.  All sorts of freaky stuff but I was even willing to ignore that until someone hit on the magic button and said they were going to cease the house from my family (I use the term quite loosely).  When something of that value is on the line, you have to take threat seriously so I left with no idea where to go. I was pretty frazzled at this point so I went to my mothers house where she continued her twenty year lie.  They wouldn’t let me sleep and kept yelling in windows.  Eventually I really did lose my mind and then I was in the hospital.  Some of the things they were yelling were suicide based.  Then the traffic struck in the hospital where they had a clear shot and I decided that they were determined to be my enemies.

The only reason I tell you this is that after several jobs and twenty years, I have no choice but to expect this to occur at any attempt at a job.  The Walmart job had ramifications for the people who worked there.  They hissed things and did what they could to get rid of me.  Its been a no win situation for twenty years.  The only person who doesn’t seem to blame me for it, is my mother who happily and smugly walks around whispering about how she is the one responsible for this and how great she was to do it.

You should do whatever makes you happy I guess.  It is just weird that so many derive happiness from being mad at me.  I don’t want to be one of those “Go F yourself guys.”  Something about the whole, “I am going to show this a hole how wrong he is by walking up to him and showing him what a real a hole is.” just doesn’t appeal to me.

I hate myself when I have the urge to respond to people with the words, “F you very much.”  The urge is there sometimes but I fight it because it just adds to the crappy meter.  I don’t want to be that guy.  Not that I want to be the guy on the dole either which is what I am.  I certainly don’t want to be the abused for twenty years guy and then blamed for the twenty years of abuse but sometimes you don’t get choices.

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The job

A woman called about a job in drums pennsylvania. It has a night shift and it does the kind of stuff I want to do.  In all ways, it is perfect for me but I can’t bring myself to call back.  I dial the number and look at it then decide not to.  Then I dial the number again and repeat.  I don’t want a repeat of what happened at walmart and I know that is what is on the way.  Not only that but I am no longer normal not that I was ever very normal but this is new.  I went to the mcdonald’s and twice now people interacted with me.  Not just people but people I didn’t know.  One was a young woman at the drive thru who actually started a more then pleasant conversation.  Freaked me out completely and then there was the hi the gentleman gave me in passing.  Both times it was borderline anxiety attack.  I got called a freak well driving and that kind of relaxed me and made me feel things were getting back to normal.

I have to break this desire to be isolated.  This job in drums is my dream.  It is perfect in every way and yet when I put the number in the phone it is always the same thought.

“They are just going to be abusive till I leave.  No good is going to come of taking this job.  They don’t want you to work.  They want you to be abused by them.”

The other side of the argument is:

“I know I have to take the chance eventually and stalling is just making it worse so why waste time.  Just get it over with.  Call back take the job.  You will be on the phone the whole time so their abuse will be limited.”

The third voice is the stupidest one of all.

“Maybe you will get lucky and they won’t want you.  You make the call back and they deny you and done.”

I don’t want to do that though because it just wastes the ladies time and she was nice enough to call back the most hated guy in the world.   Do you really want to reward someone who takes time out of their day to investigate hiring the most hated guy in the world.  That is a nice thing to do especially since it is known by everyone I am hated world round so she knows who she is calling.

This is type of indecisiveness and anxiety is the gift of the traffic and I treasure it oh so very much.

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Victim blaming

This has been the traffic’s bread and butter.  While the bread and butter for the families abuse has been gas lighting, the traffic’s bread and butter has been victim blaming.

You do it all the time.  I am tired of writing but I am sure someone will explain to me again that it is my fault that you have to treat me so badly.  They will tell me all about how their actions are my responsibility.

Why do they feel this way?  My money is on a lack of employment but going back and looking at it, they contributed greatly to my inability to recover a life from the shambles I made at my first attempt.

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Threats

These have diminished a bit of late but they certainly have been a big part of my life over the years.  That is the thing.  The traffic does half the abuse and the non traffic does the other half.  Since the two seem to never combine, I am not sure if they even know they are fitting the very definition of being abusive.

I have been spit on on and been told how badly people want to punch my face inside out, broken arms or broken legs and even the occasionally the threat of death.  The point is their existence is a prevalent part of life for me.

There really isn’t a lot to discuss on this topic because we all know what threats are and really all you need to know is the prevalence of them to be faced with the one truth that is undeniable.  The traffic has been abusing me for at least two decades now while pretending to be oh so great and noble.

I guess I didn’t want to admit it but I have always known.  I find it laughable that the traffic has the nerve to lecture me while engaging in this behavior.

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no trust

I don’t trust a soul and that really isn’t a big deal right?  Well actually it is.  Not because I don’t trust anyone now but I am fairly sure that after the last twenty years, I never will again.  That never will again is debilitating.  When I was notified of being insane and wrongly diagnosed by people who were lying in an effort to make me persona non grata to the world, I trusted them over everyone.  I guess my distrust is more of myself then anyone else.  I know there are trustworthy people out there but I am confident that I will trust the wrong people and not trust the right ones.

When I look back, it is clear as day who I should have trusted and who I should have declared a liar but now I am stuck.  I trusted the wrong people because I could chalk the people I should have trusted as not having all the facts.  I gave all the facts to the individuals that I shouldn’t have trusted.  I guess my mistrust is solely assigned to the individuals I shouldn’t have trusted but also my inability to know who can be trusted and who can’t.

The wild part is my logic in who I trusted still seams sound.  You trust the people who are doing right.  You trust the people who say they love you.  You trust the authorities and doctors.  You trust people who are successful and well liked.  Wrong, wrong, and wrong.  You trust no one and if you have to trust someone, choose the individuals who know they themselves aren’t perfect.  Avoid trusting anyone who tries to convince  that they are the ones to be trusted because look at how good and noble they are.  Don’t trust the quote un-qoute good guys because they think they can do whatever they want to those who don’t pass their muster.

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Isolation

Isolation is another scam I fell for.  Up until reading the article, I believed that I was the one who isolated myself.  When I first noticed the traffic I made efforts to get people away from me because I knew it was going somewhere bad and I couldn’t take people to that bad place with me.  Now I treasure my isolation because I don’t trust anyone in the slightest and why hang out with people you don’t trust.  When I look back, I realize I was just helping the abusers with these actions. I would probably help with the isolation again because it is the only way to go through something like this without causing others damage.

However, enjoying being isolated is presenting its own problems and two of them are most notable.  The first problem I experienced just yesterday.  You don’t want to be alone sometimes but you will be damned if you are going to subject yourself to others.  This leaves you stuck in your head and thinking.  You feel like shit, you are alone and you see no end in sight to this behavior.  Its not like you can pick up the phone and call someone.  As you sit there knowing you will be isolated and alone for the rest of your life, your thoughts start going to bad places.  Sleep is the only cure I have found for this.  When you wake up the next morning often the spell has passed and you can go on with your life.

The other problem is you can’t go anywhere like the doctor, dentist or even food shopping.  You know your very existence is offensive so you desperately try to find ways not to impact other people’s lives.  You spend your life at night when most people are asleep.  You let your body decay rather then imposing on other people’s lives.  Currently I am missing two fillings and am waiting for my teeth to fall out rather then disturb a dentist.  My knee is quickly degenerating and I know I won’t be able to walk soon.  I shop at night or first thing in the morning to avoid disturbing people with my very presence.  Isolation sucks but the options on the table make it the least of all the evils.

It has certainly been made clear that anywhere I walk leaves me making somebody else’s life worse.  This is never reflected more then in employment.  I am unemployable and not just because of the isolation created by my tormentors but also because I fear bringing disharmony to everything and anything.  I need to be employed but I just don’t see how I can operate without a job that I can do from inside my home.  Those are not easy to come by.

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The term gaslighting

Although the traffic has wronged me in several ways while pretending they are all saints from on high, the most difficult thing for me which they still do is this thing called gas lighting.  To be honest, until recently I thought it was just something unique that they did and didn’t realize that it is so common place that it actually has a name.

I truly feel bad for anyone who has experienced it.  It is so frustrating it can bring you to tears.  Well maybe that is just me because I don’t tear when I am sad.  I tear when frustrated or when I want to kill someone.

I am stuck in this weird relationship with the traffic and they still do this to this day.  They use police, doctors, and most things in society that you guys depend on as toys to gas light me.  That isn’t accurate because all that stuff that you depend on are voluntarily helping to gas light me and they are involved more due to the isolation category and not the gas lighting category.

They started the gas lighting and isolation process twenty years ago and continue to this day, I have been unable to come up with a way to prevent it.  If I leave then I starve to death and if I stay I am going to be abused by everyone here.  This is definitely the approach my family chose to take twenty years ago and they are still doing it.  I used to get so angry when they would do it but now it is second nature.  Something that must be tolerated.

I do find some humor in the memories of them doing it.  I think they would be most disappointed by the fact that it has a name.  I remember how clever they thought they were being doing it.  I can imagine how disappointed they would feel learning that they weren’t being clever at all and instead they were just being stereotypical emotional abusers.

None the less as disappointed as they might be about not being revolutionary, they were successful and I guess I have to take my hat off to them for achieving high marks in their gas lighting skills.

The point of gas lighting is to make the person distrust themselves and place the individuals doing it in  a position of power over them.  I remember Paul screaming in my face twenty years back, “Jay, you are insane.  You must trust us over yourself or we will have to have you put in a mental institution.”  Much to my chagrin, I said yes and followed their lead into this hell I call my life.  Hook, line and sinker but when the cops are dumping you in the psych ward and the doctors are prescribing you drugs and there seams to be a global conspiracy (which lets face it, that is a sign of insanity in and of itself), everything seams to add up to being insane.

Once they have you insane you are screwed.  I knew I was screwed twenty years ago but I always thought the world as a whole was above gas lighting behavior.  Now I realize that the world as a whole isn’t above anything.