Category: Traffic

Now I may be reading things wrong but I figured I would look into the effects of long term emotional and psychological abuse.  I found the following three articles and I will share them in case anyone stumbles over this and feels that they are having the same problems.

Article 1

Article 2

Article 3

Here is the deal.  I read the symptoms and I have them all.  No bullshit and no attempt at getting others to feel bad.  On top of that there was one article that listed the behaviors and techniques that abusive people use and boom, it was a list that described my abusers to a tee.  The point is that I now know you have been abusing me for twenty years.  I have seen the result of that abuse in a list and now I have a target of the crap I have to fix because of you.

The real question is how do I rank all that negative that you imposed on me over the last twenty years to the roof, bed and food that I have had over the last twenty years.  I ate well and slept alright but you perpetually gas lighted me(I just learned that term from one of the articles).  You helped me when I was insane but you drove me insane to entertain yourselves.  You threatened my life and spit in my face and threatened me with all kinds of violence but you took me on vacations.  You made me unemployable but you covered my expenses while doing it.

I guess I just don’t know how I should feel about that.  Do the scales balance and I am just whining or am I actually a victim of twenty years of abuse?  I still haven’t figured that out but I know that inside, I am the damned poster child of an excessively abused human being regardless if I am that way because I am a weak human or because you guys are severely abusive people.

I think the best way to proceed with this is to create subcategories for each item in the article and first look at how it was done to me and second look at what I can try to do to correct it.

The individuals doing this to me definitely want to have their cake and eat it to.  They spent what seems like years, bragging to me about how badly they had messed me up.   It was so important to them for so long, that I know how badly they treated and abused me.  I really do believe they shattered several civil and human rights in doing this to me.  Then I started calling them on their bad behavior and they started dissembling right away.

“Oh we just made a little fun of you.  Your being such a cry baby.  This wasn’t that bad an experience.”

At least I own what I do wrong.  I think it is funny when they lose all consistency in their reporting of their actions.  I can’t help it.  How can you take an abusive collective of people and treat them seriously when they themselves can’t decide if they wronged you or not.

As for me, I definitely lost respect for everyone after I woke up in the hospital.  I had to accept that this is who most people are.  They have this nice and friendly shell but when you look past the shell, its mostly a bunch of people dying from a desire to punish others.  I guess I have known that part for a good twenty years.  The real thing I can’t figure out is which is worse:

a. If you were abusing me when you thought I was too stupid to understand

b. You thought treating someone like that is an acceptable way to treat anyone.  Regardless of who they are.

Either way its a scumbag way to roll.

I think it is weird to be the great evil and stupid guy and yet I would have stood up immediately even if I hated the guy and said, “What the heck is wrong with  you people?”  Eleanor Roosevelt would have demolished your punk butts.

None of it matters because the one truth above all is that even though I believe to my core that most of you enjoy abusing others and it is a guilty pleasure for you, my assessment of being trapped in a place by you so that you can have the joy of abusing me stands and to me that is real hypocrisy.

There is one known truth over the suspected one that most of you are hiding a deep desire to punish.  That truth is, you can’t fight the mob.  They will do everything they can to laser focus their hate and once you’re the object of the mob’s hate, their isn’t any way out.  So all you people who whisper “Fuck you,” in my ear, and there are many.  Carry on.

Well I was out driving this morning, I realized that there is nothing unique about my situation with the traffic.  In fact it is stereotypical of any abusive relationship.  Somehow I convinced myself that everyone is right to treat me as sub human because of how horrible a human being I am.  Meanwhile, my abusers have been intentionally putting me in a situation where I need them so they can treat me however they want.  The whole thing is actually common place and I have been sitting around pretending it is unique.

The scale is a bit unique but the actual actions aren’t unique in the slightest.  Most abused people have a way out because non abusers will lend them a hand.  I however am stuck in a position of being abused because my abusers excel at their work and have succeeded in positioning me in a place where I am guaranteed not to get help.

I have a feeling when they read this even their response will be pretty stereotypical in and of itself.  “I am not being abusive and attacking him.  I am doing this because I have to.  He made me abuse him, it is not my fault I have to abuse him.”

I guess the first step is to look up and study abusive relationships, why they occur and ways to get away from them.  I can’t believe I didn’t hear the tell tale sign of, “You are making me do this to you.  Why do you make me hurt you?”  It has been the crux of the traffic’s argument for so many years and I didn’t even see when I know that is the sign to look for to determine if you are being abused.

There is something in my life for the last twenty years I call the traffic.  It really is as simple as a large group of people being shitty to me where ever I walk.  For the first five years, I would push back on it.  It always had the result of my being sent to the looney bin or having pills thrown down my throat.  Some of those pills were quite painful.  Now I only speak of it when I am trying to learn about it.  I thought I would give it a chance on this blog to speak its mind rather then sliding up to me and saying slurs.  I doubt it is man or woman enough to take the opportunity to do so but if I don’t give it the option, I can’t say I tried everything.

Everyone seems to choose to believe I had no idea this was happening as it happened but the facts say otherwise.  That is all the past and it doesn’t much matter.  I will break the rest of my post into two parts.  The first part is the opinion of me that the traffic has.

THE TRAFFIC’S PERSPECTIVE

Jay is a loser piece of shit with no education and no job and he is scum.  He is an asshole and no matter how shitty we treat him, he deserves worse.  I hope he dies and none of us had anything to do with where he is at.  What is happening to him is all his fault and we are noble, upright and justified in treating this stupid, stupid man however we wish.  We made an example of him but truth be told we did nothing wrong to him ever.  (Oh and recently I was called a hypocrite but I will address that in a later post)

MY PERSPECTIVE

Twenty years ago I was an animal.  I changed greatly although not completely since then.  You treat me in ways that I would never treat someone else and in ways that you would never accept being treated which to me makes you a hypocrite.  I have sat back and listened to this crap for 5 years with saying something and fifteen years barely responding because a response is always met with the same result.  You have stood in my way whenever I have tried bettering myself whether through employment or education.  Then you throw food and curse at me for not bettering myself which is nothing more then a sanctimonious self fulfilling prophecy.  I have been given quite the financial boon and good living arrangements in exchange for your abuse and I probably should be grateful but my opinion of the traffic is really quite similar to its opinion of me.  I feel the members of the traffic are petty individuals who scope the world looking for individuals to be shitty to that will not deny them social acceptance.  I feel that your anger at me is a by product of hating your life and somehow you need that feeling of superiority that I have provided you over these last twenty years.

I think a lot more but I really just want a baseline to convince you assholes to put more then one word whispers in my comments so everyone can get this stupid shit out of the way and I can find a way to better myself that doesn’t leave me so frustrated that I cry tears of anger.  Basically, I am tired of you guys getting in my way when I try to better myself and then bitching that I don’t better myself.  Its not the genius move that you seem to think its.  Please comment.  I will edit words that are too gross for my site but for the most part I want your worst assessment so that I can determine where you are an asshole and where I need to address something to make myself a better person.

Mostly I think you will be too lazy to fill this out or actually go on record with your thoughts but who knows anymore.  I don’t think any of you assholes are going to post but at least I will give you your chance.  I apologize for some of the language in this but I am leaving it in so there are no mistakes about where I stand and in the few circumstances that I use profanity it really shows what you say to me and how you treat me.