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no trust

I don’t trust a soul and that really isn’t a big deal right?  Well actually it is.  Not because I don’t trust anyone now but I am fairly sure that after the last twenty years, I never will again.  That never will again is debilitating.  When I was notified of being insane and wrongly diagnosed by people who were lying in an effort to make me persona non grata to the world, I trusted them over everyone.  I guess my distrust is more of myself then anyone else.  I know there are trustworthy people out there but I am confident that I will trust the wrong people and not trust the right ones.

When I look back, it is clear as day who I should have trusted and who I should have declared a liar but now I am stuck.  I trusted the wrong people because I could chalk the people I should have trusted as not having all the facts.  I gave all the facts to the individuals that I shouldn’t have trusted.  I guess my mistrust is solely assigned to the individuals I shouldn’t have trusted but also my inability to know who can be trusted and who can’t.

The wild part is my logic in who I trusted still seams sound.  You trust the people who are doing right.  You trust the people who say they love you.  You trust the authorities and doctors.  You trust people who are successful and well liked.  Wrong, wrong, and wrong.  You trust no one and if you have to trust someone, choose the individuals who know they themselves aren’t perfect.  Avoid trusting anyone who tries to convince  that they are the ones to be trusted because look at how good and noble they are.  Don’t trust the quote un-qoute good guys because they think they can do whatever they want to those who don’t pass their muster.

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Isolation

Isolation is another scam I fell for.  Up until reading the article, I believed that I was the one who isolated myself.  When I first noticed the traffic I made efforts to get people away from me because I knew it was going somewhere bad and I couldn’t take people to that bad place with me.  Now I treasure my isolation because I don’t trust anyone in the slightest and why hang out with people you don’t trust.  When I look back, I realize I was just helping the abusers with these actions. I would probably help with the isolation again because it is the only way to go through something like this without causing others damage.

However, enjoying being isolated is presenting its own problems and two of them are most notable.  The first problem I experienced just yesterday.  You don’t want to be alone sometimes but you will be damned if you are going to subject yourself to others.  This leaves you stuck in your head and thinking.  You feel like shit, you are alone and you see no end in sight to this behavior.  Its not like you can pick up the phone and call someone.  As you sit there knowing you will be isolated and alone for the rest of your life, your thoughts start going to bad places.  Sleep is the only cure I have found for this.  When you wake up the next morning often the spell has passed and you can go on with your life.

The other problem is you can’t go anywhere like the doctor, dentist or even food shopping.  You know your very existence is offensive so you desperately try to find ways not to impact other people’s lives.  You spend your life at night when most people are asleep.  You let your body decay rather then imposing on other people’s lives.  Currently I am missing two fillings and am waiting for my teeth to fall out rather then disturb a dentist.  My knee is quickly degenerating and I know I won’t be able to walk soon.  I shop at night or first thing in the morning to avoid disturbing people with my very presence.  Isolation sucks but the options on the table make it the least of all the evils.

It has certainly been made clear that anywhere I walk leaves me making somebody else’s life worse.  This is never reflected more then in employment.  I am unemployable and not just because of the isolation created by my tormentors but also because I fear bringing disharmony to everything and anything.  I need to be employed but I just don’t see how I can operate without a job that I can do from inside my home.  Those are not easy to come by.

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The term gaslighting

Although the traffic has wronged me in several ways while pretending they are all saints from on high, the most difficult thing for me which they still do is this thing called gas lighting.  To be honest, until recently I thought it was just something unique that they did and didn’t realize that it is so common place that it actually has a name.

I truly feel bad for anyone who has experienced it.  It is so frustrating it can bring you to tears.  Well maybe that is just me because I don’t tear when I am sad.  I tear when frustrated or when I want to kill someone.

I am stuck in this weird relationship with the traffic and they still do this to this day.  They use police, doctors, and most things in society that you guys depend on as toys to gas light me.  That isn’t accurate because all that stuff that you depend on are voluntarily helping to gas light me and they are involved more due to the isolation category and not the gas lighting category.

They started the gas lighting and isolation process twenty years ago and continue to this day, I have been unable to come up with a way to prevent it.  If I leave then I starve to death and if I stay I am going to be abused by everyone here.  This is definitely the approach my family chose to take twenty years ago and they are still doing it.  I used to get so angry when they would do it but now it is second nature.  Something that must be tolerated.

I do find some humor in the memories of them doing it.  I think they would be most disappointed by the fact that it has a name.  I remember how clever they thought they were being doing it.  I can imagine how disappointed they would feel learning that they weren’t being clever at all and instead they were just being stereotypical emotional abusers.

None the less as disappointed as they might be about not being revolutionary, they were successful and I guess I have to take my hat off to them for achieving high marks in their gas lighting skills.

The point of gas lighting is to make the person distrust themselves and place the individuals doing it in  a position of power over them.  I remember Paul screaming in my face twenty years back, “Jay, you are insane.  You must trust us over yourself or we will have to have you put in a mental institution.”  Much to my chagrin, I said yes and followed their lead into this hell I call my life.  Hook, line and sinker but when the cops are dumping you in the psych ward and the doctors are prescribing you drugs and there seams to be a global conspiracy (which lets face it, that is a sign of insanity in and of itself), everything seams to add up to being insane.

Once they have you insane you are screwed.  I knew I was screwed twenty years ago but I always thought the world as a whole was above gas lighting behavior.  Now I realize that the world as a whole isn’t above anything.

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Effects of emotional and psychological abuse

Now I may be reading things wrong but I figured I would look into the effects of long term emotional and psychological abuse.  I found the following three articles and I will share them in case anyone stumbles over this and feels that they are having the same problems.

Article 1

Article 2

Article 3

Here is the deal.  I read the symptoms and I have them all.  No bullshit and no attempt at getting others to feel bad.  On top of that there was one article that listed the behaviors and techniques that abusive people use and boom, it was a list that described my abusers to a tee.  The point is that I now know you have been abusing me for twenty years.  I have seen the result of that abuse in a list and now I have a target of the crap I have to fix because of you.

The real question is how do I rank all that negative that you imposed on me over the last twenty years to the roof, bed and food that I have had over the last twenty years.  I ate well and slept alright but you perpetually gas lighted me(I just learned that term from one of the articles).  You helped me when I was insane but you drove me insane to entertain yourselves.  You threatened my life and spit in my face and threatened me with all kinds of violence but you took me on vacations.  You made me unemployable but you covered my expenses while doing it.

I guess I just don’t know how I should feel about that.  Do the scales balance and I am just whining or am I actually a victim of twenty years of abuse?  I still haven’t figured that out but I know that inside, I am the damned poster child of an excessively abused human being regardless if I am that way because I am a weak human or because you guys are severely abusive people.

I think the best way to proceed with this is to create subcategories for each item in the article and first look at how it was done to me and second look at what I can try to do to correct it.

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Today’s thought on my abusive relationship

The individuals doing this to me definitely want to have their cake and eat it to.  They spent what seems like years, bragging to me about how badly they had messed me up.   It was so important to them for so long, that I know how badly they treated and abused me.  I really do believe they shattered several civil and human rights in doing this to me.  Then I started calling them on their bad behavior and they started dissembling right away.

“Oh we just made a little fun of you.  Your being such a cry baby.  This wasn’t that bad an experience.”

At least I own what I do wrong.  I think it is funny when they lose all consistency in their reporting of their actions.  I can’t help it.  How can you take an abusive collective of people and treat them seriously when they themselves can’t decide if they wronged you or not.

As for me, I definitely lost respect for everyone after I woke up in the hospital.  I had to accept that this is who most people are.  They have this nice and friendly shell but when you look past the shell, its mostly a bunch of people dying from a desire to punish others.  I guess I have known that part for a good twenty years.  The real thing I can’t figure out is which is worse:

a. If you were abusing me when you thought I was too stupid to understand

b. You thought treating someone like that is an acceptable way to treat anyone.  Regardless of who they are.

Either way its a scumbag way to roll.

I think it is weird to be the great evil and stupid guy and yet I would have stood up immediately even if I hated the guy and said, “What the heck is wrong with  you people?”  Eleanor Roosevelt would have demolished your punk butts.

None of it matters because the one truth above all is that even though I believe to my core that most of you enjoy abusing others and it is a guilty pleasure for you, my assessment of being trapped in a place by you so that you can have the joy of abusing me stands and to me that is real hypocrisy.

There is one known truth over the suspected one that most of you are hiding a deep desire to punish.  That truth is, you can’t fight the mob.  They will do everything they can to laser focus their hate and once you’re the object of the mob’s hate, their isn’t any way out.  So all you people who whisper “Fuck you,” in my ear, and there are many.  Carry on.

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Not sure what to do next

I am having trouble figuring out where I want to go with this wordpress site.  I currently like the way it is and I keep thinking “Well I can change the header picture.” as if that is some big deal.  It is way to simple a change.  I need to come with something that will require some knowledge and know how to change.  I have been thinking about what to do for several days but I am coming up blank.  I may try out a few themes.  Once you start adding to the themes then it will probably be hard to migrate those changes and migrating to another site must be difficult.  I should see if I can install a second wordpress site to a different portion of my web hosting account and practice migrating data.

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Stereotypical abusive relationship

Well I was out driving this morning, I realized that there is nothing unique about my situation with the traffic.  In fact it is stereotypical of any abusive relationship.  Somehow I convinced myself that everyone is right to treat me as sub human because of how horrible a human being I am.  Meanwhile, my abusers have been intentionally putting me in a situation where I need them so they can treat me however they want.  The whole thing is actually common place and I have been sitting around pretending it is unique.

The scale is a bit unique but the actual actions aren’t unique in the slightest.  Most abused people have a way out because non abusers will lend them a hand.  I however am stuck in a position of being abused because my abusers excel at their work and have succeeded in positioning me in a place where I am guaranteed not to get help.

I have a feeling when they read this even their response will be pretty stereotypical in and of itself.  “I am not being abusive and attacking him.  I am doing this because I have to.  He made me abuse him, it is not my fault I have to abuse him.”

I guess the first step is to look up and study abusive relationships, why they occur and ways to get away from them.  I can’t believe I didn’t hear the tell tale sign of, “You are making me do this to you.  Why do you make me hurt you?”  It has been the crux of the traffic’s argument for so many years and I didn’t even see when I know that is the sign to look for to determine if you are being abused.

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Traffic(a quick explanation and my response)

There is something in my life for the last twenty years I call the traffic.  It really is as simple as a large group of people being shitty to me where ever I walk.  For the first five years, I would push back on it.  It always had the result of my being sent to the looney bin or having pills thrown down my throat.  Some of those pills were quite painful.  Now I only speak of it when I am trying to learn about it.  I thought I would give it a chance on this blog to speak its mind rather then sliding up to me and saying slurs.  I doubt it is man or woman enough to take the opportunity to do so but if I don’t give it the option, I can’t say I tried everything.

Everyone seems to choose to believe I had no idea this was happening as it happened but the facts say otherwise.  That is all the past and it doesn’t much matter.  I will break the rest of my post into two parts.  The first part is the opinion of me that the traffic has.

THE TRAFFIC’S PERSPECTIVE

Jay is a loser piece of shit with no education and no job and he is scum.  He is an asshole and no matter how shitty we treat him, he deserves worse.  I hope he dies and none of us had anything to do with where he is at.  What is happening to him is all his fault and we are noble, upright and justified in treating this stupid, stupid man however we wish.  We made an example of him but truth be told we did nothing wrong to him ever.  (Oh and recently I was called a hypocrite but I will address that in a later post)

MY PERSPECTIVE

Twenty years ago I was an animal.  I changed greatly although not completely since then.  You treat me in ways that I would never treat someone else and in ways that you would never accept being treated which to me makes you a hypocrite.  I have sat back and listened to this crap for 5 years with saying something and fifteen years barely responding because a response is always met with the same result.  You have stood in my way whenever I have tried bettering myself whether through employment or education.  Then you throw food and curse at me for not bettering myself which is nothing more then a sanctimonious self fulfilling prophecy.  I have been given quite the financial boon and good living arrangements in exchange for your abuse and I probably should be grateful but my opinion of the traffic is really quite similar to its opinion of me.  I feel the members of the traffic are petty individuals who scope the world looking for individuals to be shitty to that will not deny them social acceptance.  I feel that your anger at me is a by product of hating your life and somehow you need that feeling of superiority that I have provided you over these last twenty years.

I think a lot more but I really just want a baseline to convince you assholes to put more then one word whispers in my comments so everyone can get this stupid shit out of the way and I can find a way to better myself that doesn’t leave me so frustrated that I cry tears of anger.  Basically, I am tired of you guys getting in my way when I try to better myself and then bitching that I don’t better myself.  Its not the genius move that you seem to think its.  Please comment.  I will edit words that are too gross for my site but for the most part I want your worst assessment so that I can determine where you are an asshole and where I need to address something to make myself a better person.

Mostly I think you will be too lazy to fill this out or actually go on record with your thoughts but who knows anymore.  I don’t think any of you assholes are going to post but at least I will give you your chance.  I apologize for some of the language in this but I am leaving it in so there are no mistakes about where I stand and in the few circumstances that I use profanity it really shows what you say to me and how you treat me.

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So I am using this new category to track my word press learning initiative

So I have learned Javascript recently and have being screwing around with php for quite a while.  The next step was clearly to add a content management system.  Suddenly I realized that I had been using a content management system a long time ago when I was interested in blogging about government and the like.  That no longer interests me very much as it was something that got my hackles up and since then I have aged and no longer like getting my hackles up.  My wordpress category blog posts will be  used to track my learning about wordpress.   I figure I have to learn things and come up with ideas for changes so that I can learn about wordpress.  I read the wordpress for dummies and made some minor changes to the current theme.  If anyone has any ideas for changes I could make then I would be grateful.  So please please leave the change without a solution in the comments of a post in the wordpress category and I will try making that change if my knowledge is enough to do that.  If my knowledge isn’t enough then I will obtain the knowledge later.  Currently I am avoiding plugins because I want to see what can be done without them.  Once I am comfortable that I am reasonably handy with out them then I will start trying some of those fancy dancy plugins to make things really neat on this site.

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The fiscal cliff problem clearly displays Washington’s disfunction

There are several dysfunctional thing I see as I watch the fiscal cliff debate.  Here are three.

1. They are taking breaks and not talking to each other.  How can they expect the public to take this threat seriously if they aren’t.

2.  There is absolutely no reason for their discussions to be behind closed doors.  What are they afraid that we are going to hear.  If the politicians are being reasonable then I would expect them to leap at the chance to argue their points publicly.  Instead of working on a solution, which is what they would be doing if there was transparency,  I know what they are spending their time on.  It is clear to anyone watching that the bulk of the politicians time is spent generating and disseminating talking points.  The real problem here is that the non politicians, most notably the economists, are the ones raising their hands and shouting fire.  When the politicians cry wolf I am not worried but when the economists shout wolf, I am definitely paying attention.  However our politicians aren’t worried, they hear the economists shout fiscal cliff and they spend several weeks of their time trying to rename it from fiscal cliff to fiscal curb.  Their theory is obviously to downplay the situation so that no one notices   I promise you this though, when we go over the cliff or the curb as the politicians would prefer, the pain will be felt globally and that is certain.

3.  The third thing that really bothers me is that the republicans are obviously taking a stand for the sake of taking a stand.  This bodes ill for everyone.  Increasing the tax on the wealthy is a non starter for them.  Fine but why is it a non starter.  They claim that this will harm the job creators and kill the economy.  Small business will cease to function.  Instead of going after the problem of helping small business, they just want to maintain the status quo.  Well let me point out that right now we are in a bad place. I am trying to communicate without using a curse word to demonstrate just how bad of a place we are in.  This bad place was achieved due to the status quo.  If the republicans want to impress me then instead of standing in the way of the tax increase for the wealthy, they would add provisions specifically targeted to help small businesses.  Tax the wealthy but maybe cut payroll tax for companies with less a hundred employees.  Instead of looking at this as a situation where you must stop the democrats think of it as a chance to compromise.  Let the democrats get their tax increase to help pay the deficit and in exchange the republicans should get an opportunity to help small business directly.  If the republicans reject this solution then it is obvious that they are not objecting to the taxes because of the damage it will do to small business which is what they claim.